Text Talk

I guess that's what they call it when you put letters together to represent words, but IDK if it has a real terminology connected to it. But OMG I can't stand the text talk. It's like we're taking a huge piss on the English language. KK I might be overreacting, but I really don't like how people BRB and ROFL in conversations like it's proper. I think my favorite one is LQTM, which means Laugh Quietly To Myself. Comedian Demetri Martin taught me that. Other than that I've had none too positive relations with text talk. I did at one point try to make my own little anagram texty thing for a way people were feeling at a current time. It ended up horribly, but I'll let you read it anyway and see if you LOL. It was Pissed Of Right Now, and I'll let you put the letters together. Anyway this has been fun but I have to say GB. Captain Obvious FTW!
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Airplanes

Well it's been awhile. No excuse really, I'm just incredibly lazy. In the meantime lets talk about airplanes. The mechanics themselves are amazing and the fact that we, humans, can fly en masse to another state or country in a matter of hours is truly remarkable. Airplanes bring to mind the Wright Brothers, Amelia Earhart, and the Tom Hanks movie Terminal. Though the Wright bros. are accredited with the creation of the first air craft, Leonardo Da Vinci's sketches illustrate an entire laid out plan for how to create a flying machine. Perhaps you've seen this:

I'm not much of a history buff but I did catch some ridiculous show called Creating Da Vinci or something of that nature where a group of modern technicians try to create the mechanisms from Da Vinci's recovered sketches. Best get off this tangent. Back to planes. Planes are famous in people's minds for crashes and security. No need to bring up the 9/11 event, or any other one for that matter but when you're that high up all I can think about is everything that might go wrong. Not crashing into a building either, but being like Tom Hanks Cast Away (what is with all the Tom Hanks references?) and forced to live on some stranded island all alone. I don't think I could handle the sand being in my shoes for all that time. As for security it's infamous around the country. The things that we can and can't bring on planes nowadays is a bit ridiculous. Here's a look at some of the fun things airports take.

I don't know if you can make all of that out but I see sunscreen, a wrench, what looks like a yo-yo, and scissors. I understand the scissors but some of that stuff just makes you go really? Flying, in short, is cool. Never been on a hang glider, rocket ship, jet pack, helicopter, parachute, dragon, giant bird, human kite, blimp, hot air balloon, or other flying machine besides an airplane so I reckon it's the best way to get around and it's the only one I can speak on, but I do think it's an amazing invention. If only we could figure out how to deal with our ears popping...
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Summer

It's summertime which for a lot of us means no school, and for even more of us means lots of sunscreen and water. The outdoors are unbearable in summer and I always felt like the schoolboard hated children so much they gave them the worst part of the year off from school. I try to go outside and switch things up but even walking around my block for 15 minutes leaves me with one of those unattractive sweat stains down my back. I'd way rather stay indoors with AC and a PS3. Sorry sun but your killing me! For these few weeks of the year what can we expect? Fires from drought, dead grass, crowded beaches, even crowdeder (thats probably not a word) pools and waterparks. Yeah, ain't summer great? Even worse are the songs with "summer" in their titles. Do you know how many Summer Times there are? Like 19, though my least favorite is that New Kids on the Block one. Mostly cause they play that music video at the gym all the time and it's kind of creepy. All these old guys in a boy band dancing around young girls that could be their daughters gives me the heeby jeebies. They should probably change their name to Old Guys on the Pill. But there'e also a Beyonce Knowles, Bon Jovi, My Chemical Romance, Diana Ross, and Kenny Chesney song under the same name. Red Hot Chili Peppers has one called Emit Remmus (which might take you a minute to get but you'll laugh when you do). I was going to look up these songs and give you an honest opinion on how they sound but after YouTubing Modest mouses "Summer" I rethought that idea. Painful. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy not having prior commitments for 2 and a half months. The one thing I hope to do this summer is to actually update my blog. Feel free to call me out when I don't. In the mean time, wear your sunblock, drink lots of water, and eat those icepops in plastic that rip open the side of your lips (thats a topic for another day).
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Photographs

I think they are great for memories and as an art form but that classic "1, 2, 3, say cheese!" I find to be horrible. It's perfectly fine to take pictures but I don't think that they should be exaggerated and hyped up as often as they are. People freak out if you want to take their picture on short notice. They'll try to put it off, or say how they look disgusting or their hair isn't right. They make you take multiple shots until they find one that makes them look like glamorous queen they think they are or until your film is all gone if you haven't converted to digital. I find photos to be eerily fake sometimes. You'll smile even if your not happy, and that's not real. Let photos capture the real emotion of a scene and it becomes art. Have everyone pose and show off their chompers in a plastic, lifeless grin is just short of criminal. Yearbook photos are what make me think of this. On picture day I know plenty of people who's parents freaked out and bought them new clothes, a fresh haircut, did their make-up, shined their shoes even though it was a profile shot. Ridiculous really. My own mother said "You have to look nice, this will live forever!" To which I replied, "Yeah, in someones closet." This picture will be what people remember me as for the rest of their lives and I want them to remember me as me, not the girl with make-up (which I never wear) and super shiny, stellar hair that looks like it belongs on an ad in front of Great Clips hair salon. I get that you want to look nice for these things, but don't take it to the extreme. My mom had me push the date back for my photos so that I could have more time to prepare. For what? No idea. Guess to practice my smile and not blinking.
Now blinking is the worst crime committed in photos. Red eyes are creepy, but when you mess the picture up that bad its unforgivable. At least in posed photos. Candid is the term for the photos that don't require you to stand absolutely still with plastered on smiles. They are natural shots which I think come out way better and are more interesting. Seen one posed picture you've seen em all. See one candid shot and you'll want to see another. Photos are powerful, no doubt, but I'm sick of this need to make them into an actual event when it's merely the click of a button and the digital imprint of a moment in time. Think about it.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Boredom

Boredom makes people do things. It's probably the motivation for most of you reading this, it's why some people start wars, and it is why T.V. was invented. I know a person who got their nose pierced because she had nothing better to do that day. Boredom makes us do crazy things, but when you're alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company, you grow the most.
People have asked me "How did you come up with that idea?" and I answer "I don't know." To go into more detail and say 'I was bored so I did this which led me to doing something else, which made me think about this and that, and Ta-Da! This happened' would take too long. The truth is that when I'm bored my mind entertains me. It's my bodies natural defense. Unfortunately not everyone comes equipped with this function, which is why I believe so many people do so many stupid things. Why do people do drugs? Because they have nowhere else to be.
When I have nothing to do I honestly make stories. Maybe that's sad but I've watched so many movies, read so many books, and played enough video games to the point where their plots hardly surprise me anymore. I try to come up with characters that haven't been made yet, or settings and situations that no one has had to face. I have about six stories that I play around with, each having a unique time period and cast of characters. Now is that pathetic? No, I think it's awesome. But that's what I do, and it's not for everybody. Just get a hobby and you'll have an outlet to spend your spare time in.
Examples:
Video games are an awesome option because they are interactive, expansive, and can be shared with a companion.
Having friends is obvious, but actually hanging out with them is better.
Travel. Even if it's not to another country go somewhere. New surroundings are good for you.
Start a club or band. Something to do with other people.
Coin collecting.............. isn't even a hobby just a pointless task (this coming from an old time coin collector) but it's better than nothing.
Physical activity like sports or running are great options. Anything that keeps your body moving.
Play an instrument. But if you have the patience for that you weren't really bored in the first place.
There are plenty of others, I'm not trying to limit that, just suggest some. I think that truthfully this is a pointless explanation because everyone has faced the boredom and knows how they will react. I don't expect this to inspire anyone who does drugs or dogfighting in their spare time to turn it all around now, but just think. Think before you do something stupid for the sake of entertainment. Use that cranium of yours and find an interesting world in the refuges of your brain that you've left locked up for so long. Yeah, life is boring. It's a pattern, a rut, a shade of dull grey. Add your own color and watch the magic happen.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Top 20 Superhero Movies That Need To Be Made

20. Martian Manhunter - This green hero, one of DC Comics many, hasn't had much going for him in any medium. I only heard of him because of his 10 second cameo on Young Justice, but I'd love to know more
19. Black Bolt - His costume is interesting, as is his name, so I'd be willing to see a movie based on this guy. Based on his name he's got some kind of lightning tricks up his sleeve, and I LOVE lightning powers.
18. Doctor Strange - Sounds like a talented magician of some kind but also an original and fresh take on the superhero genre. Not just some big brute with fists or webs, but a Ph.D.
17. Spectre - Cool name. Makes me think of Inspector Gadget for some reason, but the images I've seen of this guy are really cool.
16. Cyborg - For anyone who watched Teen Titans this robo-man was the most interesting. Though the more I think about it he seems like Will Smith from iRobot. But he'd be cooler than that and more robotic.
15. Yellowjacket - One of the many unnoticed heroes with size-changing abilities, but he can only become smaller. This power in general doesn't seem like enough for a whole comic series but if they've done it I think a two-hour movie would be manageable.
14. Red Tornado - I don't know if this thing is a good guy, a bad guy, an in between guy, or what! He's not even human....... I think. His mythology is confusing and Google is all over the place so mostly I'm hoping for a movie to clear this up.
13. Deadpool - He got a small cameo in the Wolverine movie but that was bull. No Ryan Reynolds, someone cooler, and have the legit outfit. Make this anti-hero that uses guns and blades a protagonist like in that ridiculous Catwoman movie.
12. Domino - A female version of Deadpool, but cooler cause she's a she. Like Laura Croft or Samus Aran. Since we've already seen Deadpool I think it'd be smarter to bring a new character into the mix than to try and re-cast a current one.
11. Black Canary - While we're talking about girl power, Black Canary is an awesome option. Bad A** chick in a leather jacket that rides a motorcycle. I like her. Her powers have something to do with sonic screeching. Fun :D
10. Cable - One of the coolest characters from X-Men that has never been mentioned. What's the deal with that? I'll cut you directors some slack since he takes place in an alternate universe or something. Forget about X-men first class and focus on this guy. He's awesome!!!!!!!!!
9. The Punisher ................ Whoops, he already has a movie. I'll get back to you on that one after I've seen it. I'm just too lazy to find another hero for this list. (UPDATE: It was awful)
8. HawkMan (and company) - Hawkman, Hawkwoman, and Hawkgirl should star in this with their wings and maces. Of the automatic heroes you think of, Hawkman is the last one. The bottom of the food chain. By him getting a movie it'd put all the other heroes on their A-game.
7. Flash - How does he not have a movie already? What happened that he got skipped? Flash needs a movie. His lightning bolt logo was stolen by the Tampa bay hockey team and the last time he made an appearance in the cinemas was in Daddy Daycare, so it's time we shine the light on this hero. If for no other reason, than just to try and make a solid red leotard look cool.
6. Hawkeye - One of the archers I really want to see in a movie. If we're lucky we might get to see him in the upcoming Avengers adaption, but he deserves a solid silverscreen showing with himself as the main man.
5. Green Arrow - Another avenging-archer, this one for DC not Marvel. In my mind the original hero with a bow and arrow. Question, why does DC have so many heroes with 'Green' in their name?
4. Moon Knight - This character dresses in all white and runs around with a hood and pole as his weapon. I like him already. All the artwork I've seen for this particular person is amazing, and I really like that he doesn't dress in all black or bright colors. His attire isn't the only thing that makes him stand out and I'd love to see all the other things that this guy could do with CGI and a great cast.
3. Speedy - Also known as Red Arrow, I swear this is the last archer. I picked him over the other 2 archers because of his appearance in Teen Titans and Young Justice. Because of my childhood admiration for the guy he had to come first out of that category.
2. Aquaman - How has he not already received several trilogies and toy deals? Aquaman is a hero that everyone knows, and an entire underwater landscape hasn't been done live action since Jaws, if that counts. It'd be a technical masterpiece that would blow Avatar out of the water. Pun totally intended. Plus I want to know if it's possible to make a scaley skin-tight shirt look even marginally cool.
1. Cloak and Dagger - This duo is less known, but the best way to describe them would be Yin-Yang with superpowers. Dagger is a female that dresses in all white and Cloak is a male in all Black. Cloak has problems controlling his own powers, but by being around the aura of Dagger he is at peace. This duo isn't romantically entangled, they just work together for the greater good of themselves and the world, which I like because it breaks the stereotype. I'm profoundly interested in them, so much so I read their entire Wikipedia page. You should do the same!

Superheroes You've Never Heard of: Part 3

With my utter laziness at its highest I thought I owed you something spectacular so I brought back my personal favorite and my most popular feature. Here goes.

Sobek

Real Name: Yurrd the Unknown

Backstory: Once a common alligator in the Nile river, Sobek was trans-mutated by a crazy scientist that planned to use him as one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. He ran away and made buddies with Osiris. One horrible day Sobek had a struggle with dark forces and gave into his hunger and bit his friend in half. Osiris then deleted Sobek from his Facebook. (not really but wouldnt that be so great?)

- Basically he's not a straight up hero or a straight up villain. Some of his other names are pretty hilarious though. Sobek is also addressed as The Unknown In Formless Time and Sobek the Talking Crocodile.

Fun Fact: He was killed after betraying his friends and skinned to make a pair of boots.

Garbage Man

Real Name: Richard Ethan Morse

Backstory: Mr. morse was a powerful attorney for a very respected law firm until Dun Dun Dun! He had a transformation into a mutated monster known as Garbage Man!

- To be honest I could not find a lot of information on this hero. Pretty much everything I typed above is all there was so I'm guessing he is relatively new or unimportant. I just couldn't resist putting this guy in there.

Fun Fact: .............. he is called Garbage Man!

Bling!

Real Name: Roxanne Washington

Backstory: A member of the X-Men (there are soooooo many of these guys) Roxanne is the child of Rap artist 'Daddy Libido' and was born into hip-hop royalty. During her rebellious years she decided she didn't want to follow in her parents footsteps and instead wanted to be a productive member of society so she became a part of the X-Men and enrolled in a school.

- She can transform her body into crystals and shape-shift these crystals into weapons.

Fun Fact: The ! mark is actually a part of her name, not just a random addition on my part.

I'm sorry to cut it short but I promise to do some more this week. Also expect some big changes to the layout of Captain Obvious' Blog. The white on black is screwing with my eyes.

Your Welcome,

Captain Obvious

Ferrets

They're cute, furry, and smell absolutely disgusting. I don't think there is anyway to un-stink them. No amount of Febreeze, bathwater, or soap can remove that internal reek. But once you see their small, fuzzy heads and their big round eyes you'll hold your breathe and scoop them up cause they are so snuggly! Some people have them as pets and others like me have them as allergies. Lovely. Their scientific name is Mustela Putorius Furo, quite the mouth full, and they are a rather boring species. The most exciting things from ferrets is the video made by SecretAgentBob on youtube. For reference here's the link. Be warned its a bit ........... strange.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNZzJELbFRI
On another note I can not believe how many websites are dedicated to Ferrets. No joke, when I Googled 'ferrets' the website URL Ferretcentral.org and Everythingferret.com popped up. Wow, some people have too much free time. Any way this post is kind of unrelated to anything but that's how I is, inappropriate grammar and all. It's been a long day, so I bid you adeu.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

F***ed

Ever get that feeling that life is too much, there's no way out, or that you are utterly f***ed? Everyone does at one point or another. Stress levels rise, things pile up, life happens. It's all part of a cycle and we all have to face a moment in our lives where something is too much. This can range from simple things like having too many projects that all need to be finished at the same time or when your losing really really bad at something, to more difficult things like getting caught in a lie, having serious family issues, or loosing a job. I face that moment pretty much everyday, but it's amazing what you can unf*** when you put your mind to it. It only proves my philosophy that attitude is everything. You can either hang up your hat and watch the Jenga blocks come tumbling down or you can put your mind into overdrive and pump some blood, sweat, and tears into whatever you're worrying about. There is always an alternative to a bad option or a way around it, but giving up eliminates this other option. Whenever life is too much you don't give in. That's being weak. No one wants to be weak. Toughen up, work it out, fix your situation. Don't take the slop the world gives you, send it back to the kitchen or ask for the manager. Never settle for mediocre and never stop shooting for stellar. You can make your life better as long as you fight for it to be better. So, simply put, don't let the world f*** you over. Happy Easter. God Bless.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

What's Wrong With Television: Part 2

Breakfast Cereal commercials. Every single one of them seems to promote stealing! Honey Nut Cheerios are always being stolen, and I don't need Handsome Hector or Yellow Jack showing up at my house first thing in the morning. Trix and Cookie Crisps both have their mascots trying to steal their cereal from children, and what is that teaching kids? How not to share. You know the bunny wants some stinking Trix, but no. You can't have any. But we will plaster your face on all the boxes just to rub it in. Same with the wolf, and the last time I saw wolfs and kids in anything together Little Red Riding Hood's grandma got eaten. Lucky Charms has a bunch of kids trying to steal the cereal from Lucky, which sends a horrible message! I want his cereal, so I'm going to get a net and some traps and torment that poor mythological creature until I get a bite. Fruity pebbles are always under threat from Barny, Fruit Loops are currently working on dismantling every landmark they can find to discover secret cereal that they believe they are entitled to, and Cocoa Puffs promote a schizophrenic bird continually trying to get his hands on a box. Now the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials don't promote thievery, they promote cannibalism, which is worse. Those reasons are why I prefer Honey Bunches of Oats and Apple Jacks. You are what you eat, so what does that say about our youth? Think about it.

Sincerely,

Captain Obvious

Mustaches

These furry facial additions can be worn very well, or very wrong. Mr. Meyagi got it right, Burt Reynolds pulled it off, and Mario and Luigi have kept the stache relevant for years. Mustaches are not easy to get right and for every good stache there is a bad one lurking in the shadows. For every Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction there is a Yosemite Sam. A few ground rules for staches:
1. If you are blonde you can not pull of a stache
2. Goatees are only cool in Aladdin. If your not riding a Magic Carpet you can't have one
3. Pale people with staches are creepy, especially gingers. Example: Sheamus (google him)
4. Samurais can have them anyway they want and it's still cool (except for Tom Cruise. He has limits)
5. Your beard should match the color of your hair. Don't be that guy from the Giants baseball team

Apologies

I think I owe one for being inactive for almost two weeks but we'll skip that and get onto the good stuff. Apologies are obviously for when someone screws up. Sometimes they'll take the humiliation and do it themselves, sometimes someone else apologizes for them, and often enough they act like it wasn't a big deal and completely blow you off. The apology really depends on what they did, and the necessity and impact of an apology depends on the frame of mind of the victim and the sincerity of the criminal. For instance, if you step on my toe and say, "Wow, scuse me. Sorry bout that" I will not mind the grammar and will write off the entire thing as not a big deal. Reversely, if you stomp my toe and hurry on your way without an acknowledgement don't be surprised when my shoe hits the back of your head. Apologies usually accompany accidents or guilt. In fact those are the only two situations I can think of where apologies are present, unless it is a sarcastic one which doesn't count. You dump milk on my head and go "whoops, sorry" and I know your not. Everyone watching would know your not, especially with the exaggerated 'e' sound at the end of sorry. Is this a little hypothetical, random, slightly confusing, obvious point? I suppose so.
The morale of the story is that apologies are pleads for forgiveness from people who have made mistakes. While they seem obligatory for most occasions they have power. Acknowledging that you messed up and hurt this person is no small feat, and it's something that this person might have needed. Maybe it's closure from some horrible thing that happened years ago, maybe it's a serious mistake that has cost you both dearly. Maybe it's something you can't ever make right. But it's better to try. And be sincere. I'm not sure if it's worse to get no apology or one of those fake ones. "huh...... well I'm sorry and whatever.......sigh" That's bullpoop (politically correct term) and doesn't mean squat. It's insulting and proof that you don't deserve retribution (good word, eh?).
Well that's my schpeal (might not be a real word) and since it falls on me to do so I apologize for the long break and will not let it happen again. Even if nobody reads this or even of it's only one body this is something I need to keep up with. I give up on way to many projects and this is one that I plan on seeing through to the unforeseeable end. I'm not going to let writers block, stress levels, or accumulated work keep me from doing what I love any longer. Cheers for now-
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

A Modest Proposal

If you ever read an essay called "A Modest Proposal" in English class than you and I have something in common. It's a very satirical, sarcastic, and ironic piece of writing and very entertaining. It's about an Irish famine and that the people should start eating babies to save food and have less mouths to feed. We were assigned to write a modest proposal on a school related subject and I found mine kind of entertaining. Thought you might enjoy reading it.
- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

There have been many students complaining about the dress code, and I agree. it is too strict, and as such I believe that all students should come to school in the nude. If you are going to allow students to wear those super short shorts and sleeveless shirts than you can’t say that their is much cloth left between them and their birthday suits anyway. While you might say, “Well wouldn’t that be distracting?” Not at all. We already have anatomy classes at the river, so it’s not as if the students have never seen a human body. This new order would boost self confidence in students and promote being comfortable in their own skin. For those students that aren’t comfortable with the way they look, it would encourage physical activity and healthy eating habits to obtain the shape that they desire. It could be called “Inappropriate” by some critics, but are we really going to pretend students at this level of their lives have never seen a naked body of the opposite sex?

Students have been arguing the dress code for years, even making court cases out of it. Now their would be nothing left to debate. Right now they want to be able to wear tank tops and backless blouses, but if those demands are given into then it will only encourage them to ask for more freedom to wear less. This would end all the future questions as to how little they can wear at school. It would diminish school fighting and bullying because you can’t make fun of someone when you are just as vulnerable as they are. You could pick on them for their funny shaped birthmark, but what if they taunt the size of your scrotum, or poke fun at the zit on your buttocks? You wouldn’t fight because everything is out in the open and easily targetable. In addition to this rule I would suggest passing “The Buddy System” which would prevent any possible sexual abuse. During the day students would be paired up with a member of the same sex and they would travel together to their classes. For each period they would switch to a different “buddy” and continue on the day with them. If one student would be absent their buddy would have to be assigned to make a group of three buddies, or to tag along  with someone else who is buddyless. This way no other students would try to bust a move on an unsuspecting peer. Surveillance cameras would be installed in bathrooms, now that there is no need for privacy, and monitored to make sure no one was trying anything funny in there.

While this may sound like it is creating an unnecessary erotic environment that would be unsuitable for children, we are preparing them for college. They should know ahead of time what to expect and how to respond. It might be difficult to get used to it at first, but after a week or two it would wear off and become same old same old. This would be a valuable lesson for all young adults and an easier way to make friends and judge possible dates. There are no secrets and no surprises, you’ve already seen them at their most vulnerable point. Camera usage by students would be banned from school and students sworn to secrecy to ensure that they would not spread information about any other students at the school. The morning news would be replaced with morning radio, saving money on expensive filming equipment that is purchased for T.V. production. This would ensure the safety of all students after they left school that no physical evidence of them in their nakedness would leave the confides of these halls, creating a safe haven where you can share all your secrets with peers. This would also add an interesting perspective to art classes, finally giving teachers the freedom to teach figure drawing classes and help improve students on all fronts. On field trips and days with guest speakers students would be permitted to dress themselves, but only for the hours pertaining to said occasion. Upon return from a field trip or the exit of a guest speaker students would de-robe. Each student would be given a locker to store their clothes and other personal items.

On the occasion of females having their monthly visit they would be permitted to wear undergarments on their lower area, or stay home and take their classes online for those days, but only with a note from your parents. Online classes are monitored and if you do not attend for the allotted time you will be denied the privilege and forced to return to school. No more than 7 days of consecutive absences will be permitted. I understand the sanitary issues that arise with this predicament, but each student would carry an antibacterial cushion with them, provided by the school board that they would set on each chair. If on any given day the student does not have their padded seat cushion they will be asked to stand for the entire period. I would suggest having them keep them in their lockers. Locker rooms would be divided into male and female.

A daily routine for the student would require them to arrive at school fully clothed and undress upon arrival. The students would be given five minutes at the end of the day to redress before exiting. For sports, students would be given the option of wearing clothes, but not demanded to. It is up to the young adults at this time to start making smart choices, and if they think it not smart enough to cover themselves when others are running around with cleats on their feet so be it. Any form of PDA is not to be tolerated. A hug, a kiss, or anything of that nature will result in immediate suspension and will go on your permanent records. Other charges may apply. In between classes, all teachers will be in the hallway to supervise the flow of students for such unacceptable behavior.

Teachers will have strict background checks done on them before being hired to reduce risk of pedophiles in the schools. The buddy system would still be applied after school hours as a precaution. If you have make up work you better arrange for a buddy to take you home. I can think of no possible downside to this strategy.

Birthdays

This blog goes out to a very special friend. Happy birthday Aaron, thanks for being my biggest fan. Anyway, on to our topic, Birthdays. When it's your birthday it's the best day ever (to quote spongebob) and you half expect the sky to start raining golden coins on your account. People either remember or forget, thanks to facebook the number of those that remember has gone up. It's always nice to have someone give you that acknowledgment and say "Happy Birthday" as if they were saying "I'm thankful for this day that you came into the world." It's even nicer when someone sings you the birthday song. While that song is probably the most unoriginal thing, it's designed specifically so that anyone anywhere can understand it and join in. We don't need some complicated long sonnet to be sung, just a simple, fun, easy to sing melody and simple words that you won't forget. It's perfect in all those categories and sounds great in an ensemble.
Birthday cake is another one. It's tradition really, even if the flavors differ. I'm not the biggest cake person, but I always enjoy having that little slice of sugary bread and overly sweet icing as a celebration of another year gone by. The balloons and horrible hats add to the fun atmosphere that one tries to create in order to get the most out of the day. While parties are for the younger crowds they still retain some fun when your older, and it's the company that really counts. Presents are nice, but they aren't what it's all about. It's the love that everyone gives you that is really important. So love on everybody, and shout happy birthday! Still working on a sign off line. Captain Obvious AWAY!!!!!!!!!!! ( a bit comic booky)
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Socks

While they were made for comfort not style, I find them one of the most interesting accessories to use. It's an easy way to learn something about a person too. If a person wheres knee high socks then they are probably a school girl in China. If they wear low-riders they are athletic. If they wear no socks they woke up late or are slaves to fashion. If they wear slides with socks they make bad decisions. If they have colorful socks they have some personality. No boring person wears bright socks. If their socks are mismatched colors then your probably looking at me, being that I am the only person I know of that purposely does that.

Laundry is a necessity, but the most annoying thing about it is trying to find matches to socks. Why is it that no two socks look alike when coming out of the dryer? These are both white, but they are different. Well after 15 years of that crap I smartened up and started matching random socks together. As long as I've got two I don't really care what they look like. I got a set of 6 neon colored socks originally, and they were my favorite socks. Not that I had ever had a favorite pair before, but I really liked wearing them. Problem. The two orange never came out of the wash at the same time, the yellow's match was stuck under my dresser, one of the purples had disappeared from the face of the earth, and the green one got a hole in the bottom. What do you do? Take one of each and mix it together. Simple fix. Then it got some attention and I found it fun to have a little something about me that was different. I got pairs of checkerboards, animal prints, and rainbow socks. Now all I have is mismatched colorful toe-warmers. I like it that way.

Anyway it's my feet's fashion. They demand to be dressed up like the rest of me, not just forced to wear white every single day of their lives as if they were visiting the chapel. My feet don't need to be cloaked in white as if the were the holiest of creations to walk the ground, not to mention that if you do play sports they will become absolutely disgusting very quickly. The colorful ones are conversation starters and just more pleasant to see when you open your drawer. Still working on my sign off line. Tha-th-t-th-thats all folks! (possible copyright problems)
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Worth

Money is a way for people on Earth to try and put worth into something we can see and use. It's not a bad idea, I mean I'd rather barter with paper than supplies. My real question is what qualifies as having worth? Is it necessity, entertainment, service provided? I don't know, but I do know the system is flawed.
Perhaps you have heard of the NFL drama going on right now. The other night when ESPN was talking about it I heard a comment about how teachers are payed next to nothing and these clowns want millions to play a game. It is a GAME that I played in recess several years ago. Why is it that careers like that where you end up on T.V. playing professional sports for the general public pay so much more than important careers where you serve your fellow countrymen in practical ways? I'm not one to complain on entertainment. That would make me a hypocrite, as I do enjoy these things, but I can also tell when something is BS and needs to be thought out. So much wealth and worth is put into these professional leagues instead of school systems and other important places that I don't get it.
Don't even get me started on how much reality show people make because I seriously can not go on another Jersey Shore rant right now. The thing is though that we spend billions of dollars on entertainment and comfort while some still struggle to put bread on the table. Things like this bother me and I'm not sure what to do about it. I just hope if more people start thinking about it than they will start spreading this knowledge until you have enough people to make a difference. Alright, I'll get off my soapbox. On a different note, I'm trying to come up with a sign off line. I'll be trying some out until I get one I like. Now go be awesome! (probably not)
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Passwords

The most annoying thing about computers is that to use any websites features you have to give some personal information, create a profile, give an email address, and create a password. Those passwords become difficult to remember, especially if you don't visit a certain page for awhile. I have about two or three basic passwords, but usually I do some play on words and link them all together with my twisted mind. The problem comes later when I try to remember which one is which. Some websites require you to add a number to your password which screws me up and makes it more difficult to get into whatever I need to. I have come up with a few foolproof passwords that might not be a bad choice and easy enough to remember. Feel free to use any, but note that I have not. No use trying to hack my accounts later.

1. ItsMe
2. KnockKnock
3. OpenSesame
4. DingDong
5. IForgotMyPassword
6. SantaClausIsReal
7. LetMeIn
8. InsertPasswordHere
9. JuryDuty
10. YouHaveTheRightToRemainSilent (might be too many characters)
11. IHateRedLetters
12. WhatAreYouABouncer?
13. DontMakeMeGetTheLocksmith
14. ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood
15. IHaveAFakeID
16. DnnnnnaaaaaaaaaDnaaaaaaaBatman! (might be hard to remember all the a's and n's)
17. YourMom
18. WhyWasSixAfraidOfSeven
19. BecauseSevenEightNine
20. WhatPassword?
21. Drowssap (password backwards)
22. IveGotABomb
23. YouCompleteMe
24. YourFired
25. ImSoAlone (perfect for world of warcraft or other online gaming accounts)

What's Wrong With Television: Part 1

In this new bit I'm starting I will discuss issues and opinions on television networks that I feel strongly about. The first one, MTV.

This main offender has the audacity to call themselves Music Television. What a misleading lie that is. Their biggest (and only shows) are reality based programs such as Skins, Jersey Shore, The Hills, and 16 and Pregnant. All of these programs promote bad behavior and annoying protagonists. The really devastating portion is that people don't have a problem with it. They eat this s**t up and tune in regularly, giving these talentless oafs careers. I remember the whole speech about having to work hard for something that every toddler receives in first grade, and how success and fortune would not just wind up in your lap. Guess they were wrong. I might be interested if you gave them challenges, such as write your name without using spell check. 10 bucks says Snooki would use three o's in her name.  My point is that we as a society are encouraging bad behavior and trashy people and turning them into role models and celebrities. When this network puts America's Best Dance Crew, or hey maybe some actual music, back on the air I might watch it. Until then I shake my head in its general direction. It should really be RTV (reality tv), or STV (stupid tv) or UTV (ughh!!!!!! tv). Back to Comedy Central for me.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Toast

The magical combination of bread and heat. It makes breakfast worth having, and gives butter a purpose. It's quite tasty and the way it crumbles when you bite into it makes your morning that much better. Unfortunately, it becomes unacceptable to eat it at any other time of day. Ever had it for lunch? Only if cheese is smashed between it. Not for dinner, or dessert unless you've got an awesome dish I don't know about. It's the poster boy of breakfast (egg is the poster girl) and the hallmark of bread. And in case your not clear on it, bread goes into a toaster, not toast.

Champagne wouldn't be the same without having a moment to use our fancy glasses to salute a well known cause or deserving person. A toast is given at weddings, graduations, birthdays, poker nights, and many other events I guess....... don't know, I don't really drink champagne. But I suppose we could use grape juice or Mountain Dew and it would be just fine. Toasts are meant to be meaningful moments to express how you really feel, but they end up being moments where grown adults have to relive the fourth grade speech competition. Out of the two, I prefer the first kind of toast, but I suppose when I like alcohol, (if that ever happens) I will enjoy a moment of real emotion followed by heavy drinking to make it go away. Let's raise our glasses to breakfast and get refills on the Orange Juice while we are at it. Happy Eatings.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Dissecting a Saying: Part 2

In this special edition we are going to look at a few sayings that don't quite hit the mark and make it difficult to convey your message.

- The Proof Is In The Pudding - What? I'm sorry, I didn't know we were ordering dessert. Much less do I understand why there would be plausible evidence in my chocolate mousse whip.

- People Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones - Duh. Nor should they live in glass houses. That's a dangerous living environment, call Remax NOW and get out before the Big Bad Wolf shows up.

- Barking Dogs Seldom Bite - Obviously you've never been to my neighborhood, because they all do both.

- There Are Other Fish In The Sea - Really? I thought there was only that one fish in the entire ocean, but you are telling me that there are more? Have you ever gone fishing? It's a lot of work to catch one fish, and it got away. Yes there are others, but it's a pretty big ocean my friend. Finding one of the many others will be no easy task, probably even harder than finding the first. And with the additional shot to the ego that comes from already having failed, the last thing I need is your observation about the already understood situation.

- Never Cross A Bridge Until You Come To It - Is it even possible to cross a bridge before I can step on it? You've lost me, and wasted my time. Goodbye.

12 Words on Bands Part 12: Linkin Park

My favorite band! Their sound has evolved with time, but they rock.

12 Words on Bands Part 11: The Ting Tings

Very British, very original, and very fun. The Ting Tings are awesome.

12 Words on Bands Part 10: Disturbed

The name really says everything, but they do have cool album artwork.

12 Words on Bands Part 9: The Bravery

British rock band you've probably never heard of but really should have.

12 Words on Bands Part 8: Green Day

An image of being laid back and kicking a** follows this band.

12 Words on Bands Part 7: My Chemical Romance

They want a revolution and a phunky beat to back it up.

12 Words on Bands Part 6: Evanescence

How is it that a topic so sad makes such a good song?

12 Words on Bands Part 5: Black Eyed Peas

Over the years they have lost me. They must be hyper aliens.

12 Words on Bands Part 4: Daft Punk

A duo of freaking awesome robotic phunk masters from the future. Yeah.

12 Words on Bands Part 3: One Republic

Very similar to The Fray. I'd apologize, but its too late.

12 Words on Bands Part 2: La Roux

Very original in style, sound, and appearance. Her hair is freaking fantastic.

12 Words on Bands Part 1: Foo Fighters

Singer's voice is very cool, but some of the music is bland.

Sleeping

Sleeping is beautiful after a long day. A pillow, blankets, a bed, and complete inactiveness for the next approximate 8 hours. Sounds awesome right now. But there are also those days where you really want to get things done, or really need to, and sleep seems like an unnecessary distraction. This is a public service announcement that you NEED to sleep! So if you don't finish something today that you might have needed to, it's really okay. You can do it tomorrow, but not if you die of sleep deprivation today! Get well rested or your going to feel like garbage tomorrow. I've never been drunk, but I imagine that it's a lot like staying up too late. You know right around 2:00 am when everything is hilarious, you can't walk right, and you start hallucinating? That's your body telling you it's time to shut down. The next day your hit with a hangover of sorts and you can't get out of bed until after noon.

I used to stay up really late whenever I could. I still like to on weekends some times. Being up at around 1 or 2 when the world has hit an off switch feels pretty cool. One of my favorite rituals is recording G4 specials and watching them after everyone else has gone to bed with a glass of Lemonade, Sweet Tea, or Fruit Punch for refreshment. Why? I don't know, it's just exciting for me. But other than that I did the math, and staying up until 3 only to get up at 12 the next day is counter productive when it comes to the theory of squeezing more out of your day. Instead, when my eyelids are fluttering shut and it becomes hard to tell the difference between a couch and the floor, I call it a day and get myself all geared up for the next one. Most of the time. Other times I find myself passed out on the couch while watching episodes of "Cupcake Wars" or "Unwrapped" on the Food Network. You win some, you loose some. Sweet dreams everyone.

- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

Reading

Literacy in some countries is a gift, a craved knowledge, something denied to majority of their people. In America, most of the population is given the opportunity to learn to read, and when you're first learning how to it's exciting. When your in high school everyone acts likes it's a chore. When you're an adult you read papers relating to work or the news. When your old you've lost your sight and have audio books or thick nuclear powered goggles to enhance their eyes enough for a little sparetime reading. Why is it that reading has dropped in popularity? The truth is that we live in a generation that wants instant satisfaction; the "Now Generation" as quoted by the Black Eyed Peas. Reading takes too long, and actually requires thought and effort. If you still read for fun you are the exception to the rule, but the rule states that teenagers and the majority of the public are too lazy to actually pick up a book and engross themselves in it. Television takes 30 minutes to an hour for you to figure out whos important, what happens, and why you should care. A book could take days to get through and by that time your just waiting for it to end. Classic books written in old english are straining on the mind, and other books are just telling you stories you don't care to know.

Two things ruined books; Directors and Spark Notes. 60% of movies nowadays are books that have been bastardized for profitable gain or cause directors are too lazy to write something themselves. And Spark Notes ruined every book in itself. Nobody reads them anymore, they just find out the plot synopsis and any other facts they need to know for a test or conversation or for your curiosity. It's disheartening. The craziest part is that when I was in fifth grade reading was the norm. All of us would read something and get excited and tell each other. It was fun. Then little by little it fades away.

Bottom line, I like to read. If you do to, cool. More power to you. If you don't thats fine. But just so all you illiterates out there know, lol is NOT a word.

- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines day readers. Now I've been lazy recently with my blog, but I'm back and hoping to start my daily updates again. It seemed like a good idea to talk about Valentines Day, then it seemed like a horrible idea, but I'm doing it anyway. The basis of the day is that it's a day for love, lovers, and all mushy things of that nature. I guess it's a nice idea at heart (ha, get it heart?) but it's really only fun if you've got a significant other to share the day with. If not you get to watch everyone who does walk around with the larger than life stuffed bears, the fancy chocolate assortments, and the bouquet of flowers. It's disgusting.

On the reverse of it, it is a nice day to celebrate with friends. For instance, my friend and I went to Chick-fil-a. Whatever you want to do, go for it. Make an excuse to make it a great day. If you keep a good attitude about it than it's not such a bummer. You can give out jelly beans, hershey kisses, asparagus, whatever. Just let your friends now that you are thankful to have them in your life, and that you care.

For some people it's not a fun day. I'm not saying I need someone to celebrate the day with, but it is annoying to watch everyone else skipping down the halls hand and hand with sparkles in their eyes. I get that for some people it is a depressing day that you just want to pass over on the calender. For you I have a fun idea. My new tradition is to make a Valentines Day playlist on my iPod and fill it with the most depressing, saddening songs that I know. It makes me laugh every time. If you need a good way to vent out all that bottled up anger at red hearts and corny cards that's a pretty good outlet for you to use.

At the end of the day the pink banners are taken down, the crappy candy is consumed or tossed in the trash, and the lovers retreat to their dwellings. It passes by much the same as it does every other year. The only difference now is that you have Captain Obvious here to give you an opinion on it. So if you can muster the energy to do so, enjoy Valentines Day. If it's out of the question than go pelt couples with a carton of eggs as they walk out of that fancy French cuisine restaurant that they are all congregating at. However you want to play it, go for it. After all it only comes once a year. Thank God.

- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

Superheroes You've Never Heard of: Part 2

Aquababy
Real Name: Arthur Curry Jr.
Backstory: The son of Aquaman and his wife. Guess your born with gills when your parents live in atlantis.
- Really wondering how he was born underwater.
Fun Fact: He's dead. Suffocated by Aquamans enemies (haha, suffocated?) which led to the divorce of Aquaman and his wife.

Atom
Real Name: Albert Pratt
Backstory: Decided to give up his career in boxing to become a superhero and was exposed to radioactive waves that gave him super strength and eternal youth.
- Interesting career path he chose. Personally I would have gone with interior decorator when I gave up boxing.
Fun Fact: He is only the first of many superheroes named Atom. About 4 or 5 are listed on the website I've been reading

Red Arrow
Real Name: Roy William Harper
Backstory: Grew up on his own since his parents both died while he was at a young age. Developed a strength in archery, and began to stalk the green arrow, or something like that. Eventually became his sidekick and so on so forth.
- Seen this guy on many DC Comics cartoons, including Teen Titans and the newer Young Justice. Has many aliases including Arsenal and Red Arrow
Fun Fact: He suffered a major Heroine addiction in his early teen years and his adopted dad kicked him out. He then became an anti-drug talker to teenagers. Keep your eyes open, he might just be in the next above the influence assembly at your school.

Elongated Man
Real Name: Ralph Dibny
Backstory: For years he studied contortionists and realized that they all had tasted Gingo, a rare fruit. After studying chemistry, he extracted a sample of Gingo and enhanced it chemically to give himself super elasticy.
- Basically the DC comics version of Mr. Fantastic. But his name is much lamer.
Fun Fact: He had a happy, trouble free marriage which is uncommon in Superheroes (after reading about 20 hero bios i can vouch that that is totally true) all the way until his wifes death, which probably wasn't so happy.

Silverclaw
Real Name: Maria de Guadalupe Santiago
Backstory: Was found in a small South American village where they worshipped the Incan Gods. They found this infant one day who had multiple special abilities and was neglected by most of the community. Grew up and went to college where she met the Avengers who asked her to aid them in their quests to defeat bad guys. She still attends college and is an Avenger.
- I found this one very boring. Just not a lot of sense in her bio, and not a lot to care about.
Fun Fact: Her abilities are to mimic animals personalities and traits, and when she is using her powers her skin turns silver. It's like the silver surfer met Pocahontas and got all smooshed together with a box of dismissed ideas, but I'm sure she's got a fan somewhere. Or not.

Markers

Perhaps not the most sophisticated art medium, but one of the first people are introduced to. In arts and craft times everybody would fight for the good markers at risk of being stuck with the crayons or horribly unsharpened pencils.
Markers are bright and bold. They make a statement by going down on paper. Highlighters are extremely flamboyant markers and Sharpies are the markers for grown ups. Expo's are the school marker and thin tipped markers are stupid. You know those ones that have super fine tips and about enough ink inside them  to make a solid line? The ones that come in 100 packs with a zillion colors and die the first time you use them? I don't like those markers.
As far as art supplies go markers don't really get used a lot. In elementary school they are great but once you hit high school most classrooms don't come equipped with the full set of colors, if any at all. One of my teachers has a box of orange, brown, gray, and yellow markers. Quite an ugly rainbow. It's just not a priority material. In any class below 6th grade it'd be a sin to not have at least 2 complete sets per child so you have a reliable back up when needed. Once you hit puberty it becomes an insignificant item. Personally I've always liked markers. Not for professional level projects, but because they are bright, clumsy, simple, and not perfect. Just like me. Just like a lot of people.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

American Idol

For nine seasons this talent search has been bashing ratings, with people tuning in only to hear Simon bust on some poor, untalented yokels. This season with a new set of judges the show is still topping charts. The only constants have been Randy Jackson, and that can't be it, and Ryan Seacrest which could. I think the real appeal of the show originally laid in the idea that undiscovered average joes could get a chance to make it in the music business. What's happened in the past 10 years is that it's morphed into this ridiculous popularity show where you know the best person isn't going to win. It's just 20 weeks of listening to a group of ga ga singers going through ups and downs and having Simon slowly break them down. The saddest part about it is that for the first few weeks looks alone will get you through the ringer. You don't have to be able to sing to win this show, you just have to have sparkling blue eyes, obvious heterosexuality, nice hair and a boyish cute smile or a sob story. For the past 9 seasons of this show the best singers have been eliminated before their time came, and some nobody has walked away the winner. Which American Idol winner is the most successful? Let's just say that they are all less successful than Adam Lambert and Daughtry and call it square.

To be honest the only thing that this show has done is destroy my faith in America, as if the Jonas Bothers and Justin Beiber hadn't already. The winners always produce a mediocre album and disappear before we can notice. Only exception was Kelly Clarkson and she had to sue someone to get that far. Every Wednesday you find yourself rooting for your favorites and cursing the likes of Sanjaya, or Lee, or whoever the talentless washed up losers there are that season. Then Thursday roles around and your favorite is eliminated with that person that got all the worst critiques running the show in votes. Everything about the show is aggravating. I would record this show and go to watch it the next day and not know what to watch. I'd fast-forward through most of the performance and all of the critique and commercials so why was I watching it? Was I watching it? I don't know, but I didn't want to anymore. I will spend my Thursdays watching Wipeout, thank you.

In the end it's all opinion, and I apparently just hate the majority of Americas way of thinking. Even the judges make dumb choices. I can't rationalize what they do, I just shake my head at it. Maybe I don't know music but I know what I like, and this is not even close. Goodbye American Idol, hello iTunes.

Twilight

sucks. big time.

Bourne Movies

For those of you uncultured and underprivileged readers out there that haven't seen any of the Bourne trilogy, let me give you a brief description of what you are missing out on. Matt Damon plays a man by the name of Jason Bourne. He is found unconscious in the ocean with bullet wounds in his back. When he awakes he can't remember anything about who he is or where he came from. He starts tracing his roots and finds out that he is an assassin. A lot of people want him dead, including his former employers and a bunch of people that frame him for other crap that he wasn't involved in.

The plots are impressive and entertaining as Bourne tries to uncover his past and move on to a brighter future. The supporting cast is full of villainous men in power and heroes that step up when they need to. While you will probably be confused as to what is going on for about 25% of it, and wont remember who is important or for what reasons, you will be cheering for Bourne to overcome all the obstacles and evil people in his path.

The bigger reason to get into this series is the action. The car scenes, for one, are amazing. Never will you see such crazy car crashes that seem so perfectly executed as when Bourne does it. He will drive cop cars, wii cars, motorcycles and taxis. Whatever has wheels and gets him away from you fastest. Bourne is often jumped at a moments notice, and will make do with what he has to fight back with. These include a book, a towel, a pen, and a dead body just to name a few. And when he does have a gun he uses it intelligently and impressively. Maybe he doesn't walk into a room with guns a blazin and decimate an entire army of trained hitmen, but why should he? That's stuff for Bruce Willis and George Clooney. It makes Bourne more realistic. More human. Beyond that he is incredibly intelligent and intricate. Nothing surprises him, it's all part of the plan. He always avoids being captured with a quickly improvised layout and avoids being followed by ditching the dummies in large crowds or complicated transportation units. He is always a step ahead.

When he's hurt he heals himself without faulting. When he's tracked he turns the table to become the tracker. When he is determined you can't stop him. When he is mad he kills you, and when he's is deviant he makes you live with yourself without the ability to cower behind a false image of righteousness. He is a beast, a machine, a person, and a man who wants ever so desperately to get a second chance. He is Bourne.

Dissecting a Saying: Part 1

 - Cold Hard Cash -  This is a common term we all use for money. “Cold.” Why is the money cold? Because, in reality, it brings no warmth. Warmth is related to comfort, kindness, joy. Cash does not bring that. In fact this saying is probably why we have the other saying “You cant buy happiness.” Money can’t provide the warmth itself, it’s what you do with that money that really counts. You can give it to the poor, buy some hot chocolate for you and a friend, or waste it on strippers. None of that makes it any warmer itself, it is only a means of gaining more necessary and unnecessary items. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you are a comfortable, joyous, or kind person. Next word, hard. Why hard? Because it’s firm. It’s real. Wouldn’t we all like to believe that? We call it hard because we like the idea that we can hold it, feel it, and by doing so have undeniable proof that this slip of paper is worth something. Cash is the final word, which tells you more about the class of people who use it. Do you know many millionaires who call their money cash? Most often we hear it in movies about drug deals and blackmail. “100,000. Cash. Tomorrow. In a manilla envelope. Got that son?” Not, “My new Lamborghini was a lot of cash.” That is the most insight I can offer you into the mechanics of this saying. Use your words wisely.

- Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Condiments

The only way you can get someone to chomp on a hotdog is to drown it in flavor. While chili-dogs are great and sauerkraut is nice, the most common way to get the job done is with relish, mustard, or ketchup. For mexico they add salsa and chipotle, in Canada they use syrup, in Japan it's soy sauce, Italy uses marinara, and Thailand uses something called Budu which is made from anchovies. These are all condiments, which are the best little ace in your sleeve for a meal you can't stomach. Bad burger? Pass the ketchup. Not liking those fish and chips? Tartar sauce to the rescue. Shrimp cocktails wouldn't be complete without cocktail sauce, and Chick-Fil-A wouldn't be as tasty without it's polynesian sauce. In short, as if this paragraph wasn't already, condiments add some pizzaz to other foods that need some color. Color is key. You don't put anything on fruit or candy cause it's bright enough, but rice is dull without a little help from the condiment shelf. Happy Eatings.

-Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Deep Thoughts: Part 1

Some of the sayings we use don't make any sense at all while others contain a truth that is hard to describe. Sometimes when I'm pretending I know what I'm talking about I come up with some catchy little sayings that actually sound like a guru could have endorsed them. It makes me feel like Oprah without the fame and fortune. Here are a few of my deeply thought-provoking statements. 

1. Someone who says they "go with the flow" is really just lost in the current.

2. When you are depressed you become a mime, and you slowly build all these invisible walls around yourself that suffocate you. It can take a lifetime of depression to realize those walls you constricted yourself within were never there.

3. Time is money, which means it amounts to very little in the long run but should still be spent well.

4. Standing still is impossible since the world is always turning. Change will always come.

5. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck had a hatchet?

I should be a motivational speaker! I hope these sayings had some kind of impact on you. Feel free to critique them or come up with some of your own. Until next time, drink lots of milk, bathe on a regular schedule, and avoid traveling salesmen.

- Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Oxymorons

Two contradictory words placed right next to each other create an oxymoron. While it sounds hard to think of one right off the top of your head, we often use them in conversation without even thinking. Here are 100 of the best oxymorons I’ve found:

1. Act Naturally
2. Countless Numbers
3. Young Adult
4. Going Nowhere
5. Front End
6. All Alone
7. Climb Down
8. Easy Task
9. Bland Spice
10. Blurry Vision
11. Crash Landing
12. Free Prisoner
13. Honest Thief
14. Good Morning
15. Found Missing
16. Agree to Disagree
17. Detailed Summary
18. Half Empty
19. Half Full
20. Genuine Imitation
21. Only Choice
22. False Hope
23. Auto Pilot
24. Old news
25. Mud Bath
26. Chilling Fever
27. Hot Chili
28. Fail Safe
29. Industrial Park
30. Near Future
31. Obvious Secret
32. Loud Whisper
33. No Comment
34. Minor Crisis
35. Calculated Error
36. Talk Show
37. Fine Mess
38. Lemon Lime
39. Stealth Bomber
40. Pool Table
41. Jungle Gym
42. Accurate Estimate
43. Balding Hair
44. Drawing A Blank
45. Butt Head
46. Clean Toilet
47. Mobile Home
48. Light Armor
49. Sharp Curve
50. Restless Sleep
51. Upside Down
52. Wordless Book
53. Bitter Sweet
54. Top Floor
55. Random Logic
56. Moving Target
57. Invisible Ink
58. Forgotten Memories
59. Black Light
60. Short Distance
61. Virtual Reality
62. Waiting Patiently
63. Group of Individuals
64. Constant Change
65. Doing Nothing
66. Brave Wimp
67. Homework
68. One Person Crew
69. Ill Health
70. Unspoken Suggestion
71. Silent Alarm
72. Unusual Routine
73. Running In Place
74. Organized Confusion
75. Somewhat Functional
76. Loose Knots
77. Living Dead
78. Stand Down
79. Center Around
80. Inside Out
81. Bankrupt Millionaire
82. Perfectly Ridiculous
83. Whole Percentage
84. Round Edges
85. Sight Unseen
86. Politely Insulting
87. Absolutely Unsure
88. Blameless Culprit
89. Sound of Silence
90. Problem Solved
91. Uninvited Guest
92. Anxious Patient
93. Less is More
94. Positively Wrong
95. Straight-Forward
96. Chaotic Organization
97. Unknown Identity
98. Friendly Argument
99. Unfunny Joke
100. Night Light

Fun, aren’t they?

Boomerangs

Ahh boomerangs. They claim that they always come back, though I've never seen one accomplish anything more than half a U-turn. They are often associated with the kangaroos and koalas of Australia. Fun history fact for you: Many historians have found evidence actually linking the origins of boomerangs to Egypt over 2000 years ago. Fascinating, I know.

Boomerang is a T.V. network, Sokka's main weapon (avatar reference), and the cause of one of the funniest Ed Edd N' Eddy episodes ever. (If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about) This ancient invention has been repurposed for weapons, toys, and a third rate Eddie Murphy movie. Its a word, a theory and a random item yet to discover a practical purpose. Can't say that I'm extremely knowledgeable about these matters, but if you curious about anything else there is actually a website dedicated to these matters. Check out www.boomerangs.com for matters such as safety tips, tutorials, and frequently asked questions. Knowledge is fun, isn't it?

- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

Sick

Being sick is horrible. Whether the pain is in you head, shoulders, knees, toes, or anywhere in between it slowly eats away at you until you can no longer complete your daily tasks. Colds are one of the most common and most annoying. It starts in your forehead and causes you to see spots every time you stand up. It then flows to your nose giving you the sensation that you will stop breathing at any moment. The feeling trickles all the way down your throat, leaving it dry and itchy all day. The worst thing by far to be subjugated to.

Stomach aches are miserable. You wake up feeling like there's an army of tap-dancing crickets all the way down your intestines, or that your digestive track is struggling with a chunk of Mt. Rushmore. Your only hope for a cure is some pepto bismol or a glass of gingerale. If those fail you call in sick and spend all day in bed with a wastebasket close by, just in case.

The worst thing about being sick is going to the doctors. Theres nothing more uncomfortable than a doctors office. They will stick thermometers in places you didn't know you had and make you put on those stupid backward robes. If you don't have to suffer the doctors office then all you can rely on is medicine.

Now my last comments to leave you with is about medicine. What is the deal with medicine? Liquid medicine is horrible. It's like they didn't even try to make it taste good. As for pills, what's with the bottle caps? If they need to put directions on the cap on how to open it then perhaps its too complex to start with. Push down and turn left. It never works! You try until your frustration gets the best of you and admit your defeat. Now your pissed and sick. Grr.

Anyway, be thankful for your health, because it could change at any time.

- Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Playing Pretend

Pretending is something we all do, no matter our age, to escape reality. As we get older we call it denial, but it serves the same purpose even if it’s not played the same way. When your young all it takes to pretend is a stick. That stick can be a samurai sword, a fairy princess wand, a walking cane, a baseball bat, or a rapid-fire bazooka. Sticks aren’t the only portal for play, but it’s one of the best illustrations of how simple it is for kids to be entertained. Other childhood favorites include giving voices to stuffed animals, building forts out of pillows, and re-enacting epic battles with action figures.

Most of the best pretend games didn’t require anything but imagination. Just picking a character from one of your favorite fantasies led you to an adventure. You could be a lion, a cowboy, a firefighter, a knight, a princess, a witch, the list goes on and on. Young boys usually prefer actiony games, like policeman or ninja, while young girls played endless hours of ‘House’ in their plastic kitchens. More often than not, kids were willing to drop their fears of cooties just long enough to play together in their make-believe jungles or spaceships. Somewhere along the mutual understandings that children share, the story bounced along with no plot or reason, just pointless fun. Over the course of puberty we loose this part of us that pretends, and let others do it for us, by watching movies, playing video games, or reading books. As our juvenile years drift away, we shift our energy into more productive ports than thinking we’re a pirate alien that crash-landed on Neptune. Most of us would like to have one last play date with our imaginations, and see what our matured minds could think of for our next perilous adventure, but we are content to let it stay where we left it; in the glory days of our youth.