2012 In Review

(click on links, they enhance the story)
Well it's been quite a year. We were graced with the song catchier than STD's, enough theatrics to make the circus seem dull, and we proved the Mayans wrong! But all good things must come to an end, and as we say good bye to the year that saw the man named Dong Dong take the gold medal in trampoline we look at the 5 things, in no particular order, that will surely be remembered, if only in this blog post.

1. If you didn't find something good to listen to this year between the releases of Ellie Goulding, Mumford and Sons, Fun, and the thousands of other amazing releases you obviously chopped off your ears and missed out. But regardless of whether your eardrums were on vacation or in their rightful place you probably didn't miss this one. Or the ensuing dance craze that followed. If you haven't done the dance yourself yet or seen the video you're probably lying, considering it broke 1 billion views on youtube and made it to every stage across the country.

2. We saw the end of one of the greatest kids shows Nickelodeon ever had the fortune of making, iCarly. I myself missed it the day it came out, but the internet told me that majority of the people who witnessed iGoodbye cried like babies. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought it was just a joke and people too attached to entertaining characters. I was mistaken. They handled the last episode so perfectly and every character got to spill their hearts on screen and cause you to spill your tears. Kudos to you iCarly cast and crew. It's been a good 6 seasons. You will be missed.

3. The Olympics happened. If you took time out of watching the swimming and track events you may have caught some of the most entertaining unknown and uncared about sports like Archery, Field Hockey, Handball, Skeet Shooting, and my personal favorite, Speed Walking. If that last one can be an olympic sport then I seriously need to talk to somebody about other sports that should have gone first, but that's a blog post for a different day.

4. Super hero movies became popular enough to make more money than our government and had two releases that will surely become classics in their own right. Whether it was the explosive ending to Christopher Nolan's dark trilogy, or the fun for all action packed Super Hero Super Team-Up, capes and tights aren't just for nerds anymore. Also in the world of movies, my second favorite president got to shine in 2, count them, two! Movies about his life. And on top of that Pixar made the case for animated movies yet again, this time with some back up from one of the best movie ideas ever conceived.

5. *insert your own here* Just to avoid controversy, you all add your own 5th thing here. That way no one can say I didn't have their favorite thing in my list. Sure that's a cop out, but my battery is dying. I'm sure I could talk about the amazing releases in video games, dead celebrities, politics. But I don't want to. I'll leave this time up to you to reflect.

2012 may have been a bust for you, or it may have been the best thing ever. I lean towards the latter personally. But I'm an optimist, and I see the glass half full even when it's empty. Either way, I wish you all the very best for the coming year. May the force be with you, may you lead good lives, and don't eat the yellow snow.
Captain, AWAY!!!!!!
And Happy New Year

Time

A strange mistress, or a father with a stopwatch, or a babbling brook flowing into a never-ending river, or some even more ridiculous analogy not worth noting. Time passes at a speed we can hardly comprehend, and that is neither to say its fast or slow, merely not under our control. Forgive me for talking a little strange, I just watched Romeo and Juliet and the language sticks with you. Makes me want to sing about Larks and NightingGales. But that is also time at work. Everything changes with time. Language, art, style, class, morale, ecosystems, values, ethics, perceptions, people, doughnuts. Sure, why not throw doughnuts in there, just to keep you on your toes. Keep you guessing what I'll say next. Farfegnuggin. Bet you didn't expect that. If you did you're a wizard and therefore disqualified. Back to time.
Time is clocks. Clocks represent a lot of what time is to us individuals. You count the seconds, or the minutes, or the hours away based on the little hands or the flashing lights. Clocks dictate time, and time dictates people. If we all ran on our own time the world would be in chaos, so we set limits and guidelines. Walmart, McDonalds, and TV Networks don't play by those rules, but they bribed the judges so it's cool.
What am I talking about, you may be wondering. Nothing in particualr. Just some rambling that sounds intelligent and is taking up some of your time. Yup, your time is being spent on this webpage. Some of you may click off the page at this point out of a feeling of annoyance that I would remind you of your time slipping away, but the truth is that we only have so much of it left and we all need to use it better. I'm not saying end of the world, or anything, but I do know that we all only get so many days on this Earth, so why not use every bit of it to do something important. I'm almost done, so you can move your time to a more productive field, like YouTube or Solitare, but I'd like to put an old saying to rest. Time is money. No, Time is Time, and money pales in comparison to the importance. Just wanted clear that up.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Capes

I see capes as a fashion trend in a lot of superhero wardrobes, and I find myself wondering, why? They don't look that comfy, they can't possibly be that useful, and they tend to look less aerodynamic. My favorite example of this was displayed in the Pixar movie, The Incredibles, when the costume designer is explaining problems with Capes. The scene is below for your viewing pleasure. I'm getting pretty fancy, eh? adding links and such.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M68ndaZSKa8
Anyway, the only other appearance of capes is on old school vampires and villains. Dracula and the Count from Sesame Street have been rocking it for years, and watch just about any Disney movie to see a lurker in a cape like get-up trying to stab the hero and steal a princess. Just saying. As for me, I guess I can't talk because I'm wearing a cape in my profile picture. Anyway, until next time.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Success

When you feel it it's great. It comes from accomplishment, acknowledgment, and acceptance. For me, it's not necessarily when you win something, but when you finish something, that the feelings of success blossom into a beautiful bouquet of achievement. Starting things is easy, but seeing it through to the very end takes a lot more than a simple notion. I've started countless things that never saw an end, including books, art projects, video games, Risk, movies, sentences, etc. So when something gets finished, that's cause for celebration.

Success is that little pat on the back, that story you tell your grandchildren about, that moment where you want to lift your arms up like the boxing champion of the world and wear a golden belt far too big to fit in your belt loops for a few moments, then stash it on your mantle for party guests to gawk at. It can be defined, in some methods, by the amount of money or by the items you have to show for your endeavor after, but it's mostly a feeling, and as such varies from person to person. If you don't feel successful every day, start doing something about it. it's all up to you.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Superhero: The Musical

Perhaps you didn't hear about the schism (<--not all together sure what that word means) that is Spiderman the musical. It was this elaborate production that had everything going for it.The rights to Stan Lee's character, original music by Bono, and 65 million dollars invested in it. Then came the accidents. Four of them I believe (will check facts later. On tight schedule), and with these accidents came delays, lawsuits, and controversy. During this time I garnered the inspiration to make my own musical. Originally it was to be Batman the musical, as a direct joke at the web-slingers failed attempts to become the web-singer. But then even more brilliantly I created a new character named Street Rat. Street Rat has no powers and beats people up with a broom. I'll give you more teasers as the project comes together, but right now I'm having second thoughts about his side kicks name. Right now his name is Mosquito Man, which isn't half bad, but maybe there's a better option? Give me your opinion on a name, or if you think Mosquito Man should stick around. Til next time.

Your Welcome,

Captain Obvious

Tetris

The simple formula of keeping blocks from stacking too high is as addicting as hard core drugs, maybe more so. It's not like you can beat the game, only keep working on a better score and getting to a higher level. I can play for over an hour straight without any regrets and still want to play more. As the blocks speed up and become harder to manage your mind kicks into overdrive and your fingers move as fast as lighting. One slip up and your back to level 1. I've had periods where I actually started playing Tetris in my mind. That can't be healthy. My strategy usually relies on getting some of those long pointy rods to fill in the sides, and when they are sparse my score suffers. I hate those zig zaggy ones that look like z's, you know the ones I'm talking about, because they throw off everything! Big red blocks are tough to work with too when you don't have a flat space to put them. I really like the L shaped ones for whatever reason. But, alas, all this talk fills me with a strange need to play a match. Later.

(If you want to play one too, this is the site I always use http://www.tetrislive.com/)
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

New Year Resolutions

They usually don't last, and are related in some way to weight loss but I've got a better one in mind. Back to blogging!!! I have missed it, and come to find that others have missed it as well, so let's try again. My idea is to post two entries a week (subject to change) but one would be about something random, and the other would be related to superheroes. I'm pretty good at those ones and they garner the most attention. If I lay out a schedule like this I hope that I will stick to it. AND if you enjoy my blog posts and I fall through please call me out on it! If I feel that someone is reading these I'll try a lot harder to get them out there. That's the dealio. Welcome back to the mind of Captain Obvious.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Text Talk

I guess that's what they call it when you put letters together to represent words, but IDK if it has a real terminology connected to it. But OMG I can't stand the text talk. It's like we're taking a huge piss on the English language. KK I might be overreacting, but I really don't like how people BRB and ROFL in conversations like it's proper. I think my favorite one is LQTM, which means Laugh Quietly To Myself. Comedian Demetri Martin taught me that. Other than that I've had none too positive relations with text talk. I did at one point try to make my own little anagram texty thing for a way people were feeling at a current time. It ended up horribly, but I'll let you read it anyway and see if you LOL. It was Pissed Of Right Now, and I'll let you put the letters together. Anyway this has been fun but I have to say GB. Captain Obvious FTW!
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Airplanes

Well it's been awhile. No excuse really, I'm just incredibly lazy. In the meantime lets talk about airplanes. The mechanics themselves are amazing and the fact that we, humans, can fly en masse to another state or country in a matter of hours is truly remarkable. Airplanes bring to mind the Wright Brothers, Amelia Earhart, and the Tom Hanks movie Terminal. Though the Wright bros. are accredited with the creation of the first air craft, Leonardo Da Vinci's sketches illustrate an entire laid out plan for how to create a flying machine. Perhaps you've seen this:

I'm not much of a history buff but I did catch some ridiculous show called Creating Da Vinci or something of that nature where a group of modern technicians try to create the mechanisms from Da Vinci's recovered sketches. Best get off this tangent. Back to planes. Planes are famous in people's minds for crashes and security. No need to bring up the 9/11 event, or any other one for that matter but when you're that high up all I can think about is everything that might go wrong. Not crashing into a building either, but being like Tom Hanks Cast Away (what is with all the Tom Hanks references?) and forced to live on some stranded island all alone. I don't think I could handle the sand being in my shoes for all that time. As for security it's infamous around the country. The things that we can and can't bring on planes nowadays is a bit ridiculous. Here's a look at some of the fun things airports take.

I don't know if you can make all of that out but I see sunscreen, a wrench, what looks like a yo-yo, and scissors. I understand the scissors but some of that stuff just makes you go really? Flying, in short, is cool. Never been on a hang glider, rocket ship, jet pack, helicopter, parachute, dragon, giant bird, human kite, blimp, hot air balloon, or other flying machine besides an airplane so I reckon it's the best way to get around and it's the only one I can speak on, but I do think it's an amazing invention. If only we could figure out how to deal with our ears popping...
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Summer

It's summertime which for a lot of us means no school, and for even more of us means lots of sunscreen and water. The outdoors are unbearable in summer and I always felt like the schoolboard hated children so much they gave them the worst part of the year off from school. I try to go outside and switch things up but even walking around my block for 15 minutes leaves me with one of those unattractive sweat stains down my back. I'd way rather stay indoors with AC and a PS3. Sorry sun but your killing me! For these few weeks of the year what can we expect? Fires from drought, dead grass, crowded beaches, even crowdeder (thats probably not a word) pools and waterparks. Yeah, ain't summer great? Even worse are the songs with "summer" in their titles. Do you know how many Summer Times there are? Like 19, though my least favorite is that New Kids on the Block one. Mostly cause they play that music video at the gym all the time and it's kind of creepy. All these old guys in a boy band dancing around young girls that could be their daughters gives me the heeby jeebies. They should probably change their name to Old Guys on the Pill. But there'e also a Beyonce Knowles, Bon Jovi, My Chemical Romance, Diana Ross, and Kenny Chesney song under the same name. Red Hot Chili Peppers has one called Emit Remmus (which might take you a minute to get but you'll laugh when you do). I was going to look up these songs and give you an honest opinion on how they sound but after YouTubing Modest mouses "Summer" I rethought that idea. Painful. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy not having prior commitments for 2 and a half months. The one thing I hope to do this summer is to actually update my blog. Feel free to call me out when I don't. In the mean time, wear your sunblock, drink lots of water, and eat those icepops in plastic that rip open the side of your lips (thats a topic for another day).
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Photographs

I think they are great for memories and as an art form but that classic "1, 2, 3, say cheese!" I find to be horrible. It's perfectly fine to take pictures but I don't think that they should be exaggerated and hyped up as often as they are. People freak out if you want to take their picture on short notice. They'll try to put it off, or say how they look disgusting or their hair isn't right. They make you take multiple shots until they find one that makes them look like glamorous queen they think they are or until your film is all gone if you haven't converted to digital. I find photos to be eerily fake sometimes. You'll smile even if your not happy, and that's not real. Let photos capture the real emotion of a scene and it becomes art. Have everyone pose and show off their chompers in a plastic, lifeless grin is just short of criminal. Yearbook photos are what make me think of this. On picture day I know plenty of people who's parents freaked out and bought them new clothes, a fresh haircut, did their make-up, shined their shoes even though it was a profile shot. Ridiculous really. My own mother said "You have to look nice, this will live forever!" To which I replied, "Yeah, in someones closet." This picture will be what people remember me as for the rest of their lives and I want them to remember me as me, not the girl with make-up (which I never wear) and super shiny, stellar hair that looks like it belongs on an ad in front of Great Clips hair salon. I get that you want to look nice for these things, but don't take it to the extreme. My mom had me push the date back for my photos so that I could have more time to prepare. For what? No idea. Guess to practice my smile and not blinking.
Now blinking is the worst crime committed in photos. Red eyes are creepy, but when you mess the picture up that bad its unforgivable. At least in posed photos. Candid is the term for the photos that don't require you to stand absolutely still with plastered on smiles. They are natural shots which I think come out way better and are more interesting. Seen one posed picture you've seen em all. See one candid shot and you'll want to see another. Photos are powerful, no doubt, but I'm sick of this need to make them into an actual event when it's merely the click of a button and the digital imprint of a moment in time. Think about it.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Boredom

Boredom makes people do things. It's probably the motivation for most of you reading this, it's why some people start wars, and it is why T.V. was invented. I know a person who got their nose pierced because she had nothing better to do that day. Boredom makes us do crazy things, but when you're alone with only your own thoughts to keep you company, you grow the most.
People have asked me "How did you come up with that idea?" and I answer "I don't know." To go into more detail and say 'I was bored so I did this which led me to doing something else, which made me think about this and that, and Ta-Da! This happened' would take too long. The truth is that when I'm bored my mind entertains me. It's my bodies natural defense. Unfortunately not everyone comes equipped with this function, which is why I believe so many people do so many stupid things. Why do people do drugs? Because they have nowhere else to be.
When I have nothing to do I honestly make stories. Maybe that's sad but I've watched so many movies, read so many books, and played enough video games to the point where their plots hardly surprise me anymore. I try to come up with characters that haven't been made yet, or settings and situations that no one has had to face. I have about six stories that I play around with, each having a unique time period and cast of characters. Now is that pathetic? No, I think it's awesome. But that's what I do, and it's not for everybody. Just get a hobby and you'll have an outlet to spend your spare time in.
Examples:
Video games are an awesome option because they are interactive, expansive, and can be shared with a companion.
Having friends is obvious, but actually hanging out with them is better.
Travel. Even if it's not to another country go somewhere. New surroundings are good for you.
Start a club or band. Something to do with other people.
Coin collecting.............. isn't even a hobby just a pointless task (this coming from an old time coin collector) but it's better than nothing.
Physical activity like sports or running are great options. Anything that keeps your body moving.
Play an instrument. But if you have the patience for that you weren't really bored in the first place.
There are plenty of others, I'm not trying to limit that, just suggest some. I think that truthfully this is a pointless explanation because everyone has faced the boredom and knows how they will react. I don't expect this to inspire anyone who does drugs or dogfighting in their spare time to turn it all around now, but just think. Think before you do something stupid for the sake of entertainment. Use that cranium of yours and find an interesting world in the refuges of your brain that you've left locked up for so long. Yeah, life is boring. It's a pattern, a rut, a shade of dull grey. Add your own color and watch the magic happen.
Your Welcome,
Captain Obvious

Top 20 Superhero Movies That Need To Be Made

20. Martian Manhunter - This green hero, one of DC Comics many, hasn't had much going for him in any medium. I only heard of him because of his 10 second cameo on Young Justice, but I'd love to know more
19. Black Bolt - His costume is interesting, as is his name, so I'd be willing to see a movie based on this guy. Based on his name he's got some kind of lightning tricks up his sleeve, and I LOVE lightning powers.
18. Doctor Strange - Sounds like a talented magician of some kind but also an original and fresh take on the superhero genre. Not just some big brute with fists or webs, but a Ph.D.
17. Spectre - Cool name. Makes me think of Inspector Gadget for some reason, but the images I've seen of this guy are really cool.
16. Cyborg - For anyone who watched Teen Titans this robo-man was the most interesting. Though the more I think about it he seems like Will Smith from iRobot. But he'd be cooler than that and more robotic.
15. Yellowjacket - One of the many unnoticed heroes with size-changing abilities, but he can only become smaller. This power in general doesn't seem like enough for a whole comic series but if they've done it I think a two-hour movie would be manageable.
14. Red Tornado - I don't know if this thing is a good guy, a bad guy, an in between guy, or what! He's not even human....... I think. His mythology is confusing and Google is all over the place so mostly I'm hoping for a movie to clear this up.
13. Deadpool - He got a small cameo in the Wolverine movie but that was bull. No Ryan Reynolds, someone cooler, and have the legit outfit. Make this anti-hero that uses guns and blades a protagonist like in that ridiculous Catwoman movie.
12. Domino - A female version of Deadpool, but cooler cause she's a she. Like Laura Croft or Samus Aran. Since we've already seen Deadpool I think it'd be smarter to bring a new character into the mix than to try and re-cast a current one.
11. Black Canary - While we're talking about girl power, Black Canary is an awesome option. Bad A** chick in a leather jacket that rides a motorcycle. I like her. Her powers have something to do with sonic screeching. Fun :D
10. Cable - One of the coolest characters from X-Men that has never been mentioned. What's the deal with that? I'll cut you directors some slack since he takes place in an alternate universe or something. Forget about X-men first class and focus on this guy. He's awesome!!!!!!!!!
9. The Punisher ................ Whoops, he already has a movie. I'll get back to you on that one after I've seen it. I'm just too lazy to find another hero for this list. (UPDATE: It was awful)
8. HawkMan (and company) - Hawkman, Hawkwoman, and Hawkgirl should star in this with their wings and maces. Of the automatic heroes you think of, Hawkman is the last one. The bottom of the food chain. By him getting a movie it'd put all the other heroes on their A-game.
7. Flash - How does he not have a movie already? What happened that he got skipped? Flash needs a movie. His lightning bolt logo was stolen by the Tampa bay hockey team and the last time he made an appearance in the cinemas was in Daddy Daycare, so it's time we shine the light on this hero. If for no other reason, than just to try and make a solid red leotard look cool.
6. Hawkeye - One of the archers I really want to see in a movie. If we're lucky we might get to see him in the upcoming Avengers adaption, but he deserves a solid silverscreen showing with himself as the main man.
5. Green Arrow - Another avenging-archer, this one for DC not Marvel. In my mind the original hero with a bow and arrow. Question, why does DC have so many heroes with 'Green' in their name?
4. Moon Knight - This character dresses in all white and runs around with a hood and pole as his weapon. I like him already. All the artwork I've seen for this particular person is amazing, and I really like that he doesn't dress in all black or bright colors. His attire isn't the only thing that makes him stand out and I'd love to see all the other things that this guy could do with CGI and a great cast.
3. Speedy - Also known as Red Arrow, I swear this is the last archer. I picked him over the other 2 archers because of his appearance in Teen Titans and Young Justice. Because of my childhood admiration for the guy he had to come first out of that category.
2. Aquaman - How has he not already received several trilogies and toy deals? Aquaman is a hero that everyone knows, and an entire underwater landscape hasn't been done live action since Jaws, if that counts. It'd be a technical masterpiece that would blow Avatar out of the water. Pun totally intended. Plus I want to know if it's possible to make a scaley skin-tight shirt look even marginally cool.
1. Cloak and Dagger - This duo is less known, but the best way to describe them would be Yin-Yang with superpowers. Dagger is a female that dresses in all white and Cloak is a male in all Black. Cloak has problems controlling his own powers, but by being around the aura of Dagger he is at peace. This duo isn't romantically entangled, they just work together for the greater good of themselves and the world, which I like because it breaks the stereotype. I'm profoundly interested in them, so much so I read their entire Wikipedia page. You should do the same!

Superheroes You've Never Heard of: Part 3

With my utter laziness at its highest I thought I owed you something spectacular so I brought back my personal favorite and my most popular feature. Here goes.

Sobek

Real Name: Yurrd the Unknown

Backstory: Once a common alligator in the Nile river, Sobek was trans-mutated by a crazy scientist that planned to use him as one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. He ran away and made buddies with Osiris. One horrible day Sobek had a struggle with dark forces and gave into his hunger and bit his friend in half. Osiris then deleted Sobek from his Facebook. (not really but wouldnt that be so great?)

- Basically he's not a straight up hero or a straight up villain. Some of his other names are pretty hilarious though. Sobek is also addressed as The Unknown In Formless Time and Sobek the Talking Crocodile.

Fun Fact: He was killed after betraying his friends and skinned to make a pair of boots.

Garbage Man

Real Name: Richard Ethan Morse

Backstory: Mr. morse was a powerful attorney for a very respected law firm until Dun Dun Dun! He had a transformation into a mutated monster known as Garbage Man!

- To be honest I could not find a lot of information on this hero. Pretty much everything I typed above is all there was so I'm guessing he is relatively new or unimportant. I just couldn't resist putting this guy in there.

Fun Fact: .............. he is called Garbage Man!

Bling!

Real Name: Roxanne Washington

Backstory: A member of the X-Men (there are soooooo many of these guys) Roxanne is the child of Rap artist 'Daddy Libido' and was born into hip-hop royalty. During her rebellious years she decided she didn't want to follow in her parents footsteps and instead wanted to be a productive member of society so she became a part of the X-Men and enrolled in a school.

- She can transform her body into crystals and shape-shift these crystals into weapons.

Fun Fact: The ! mark is actually a part of her name, not just a random addition on my part.

I'm sorry to cut it short but I promise to do some more this week. Also expect some big changes to the layout of Captain Obvious' Blog. The white on black is screwing with my eyes.

Your Welcome,

Captain Obvious

Ferrets

They're cute, furry, and smell absolutely disgusting. I don't think there is anyway to un-stink them. No amount of Febreeze, bathwater, or soap can remove that internal reek. But once you see their small, fuzzy heads and their big round eyes you'll hold your breathe and scoop them up cause they are so snuggly! Some people have them as pets and others like me have them as allergies. Lovely. Their scientific name is Mustela Putorius Furo, quite the mouth full, and they are a rather boring species. The most exciting things from ferrets is the video made by SecretAgentBob on youtube. For reference here's the link. Be warned its a bit ........... strange.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNZzJELbFRI
On another note I can not believe how many websites are dedicated to Ferrets. No joke, when I Googled 'ferrets' the website URL Ferretcentral.org and Everythingferret.com popped up. Wow, some people have too much free time. Any way this post is kind of unrelated to anything but that's how I is, inappropriate grammar and all. It's been a long day, so I bid you adeu.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

F***ed

Ever get that feeling that life is too much, there's no way out, or that you are utterly f***ed? Everyone does at one point or another. Stress levels rise, things pile up, life happens. It's all part of a cycle and we all have to face a moment in our lives where something is too much. This can range from simple things like having too many projects that all need to be finished at the same time or when your losing really really bad at something, to more difficult things like getting caught in a lie, having serious family issues, or loosing a job. I face that moment pretty much everyday, but it's amazing what you can unf*** when you put your mind to it. It only proves my philosophy that attitude is everything. You can either hang up your hat and watch the Jenga blocks come tumbling down or you can put your mind into overdrive and pump some blood, sweat, and tears into whatever you're worrying about. There is always an alternative to a bad option or a way around it, but giving up eliminates this other option. Whenever life is too much you don't give in. That's being weak. No one wants to be weak. Toughen up, work it out, fix your situation. Don't take the slop the world gives you, send it back to the kitchen or ask for the manager. Never settle for mediocre and never stop shooting for stellar. You can make your life better as long as you fight for it to be better. So, simply put, don't let the world f*** you over. Happy Easter. God Bless.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

What's Wrong With Television: Part 2

Breakfast Cereal commercials. Every single one of them seems to promote stealing! Honey Nut Cheerios are always being stolen, and I don't need Handsome Hector or Yellow Jack showing up at my house first thing in the morning. Trix and Cookie Crisps both have their mascots trying to steal their cereal from children, and what is that teaching kids? How not to share. You know the bunny wants some stinking Trix, but no. You can't have any. But we will plaster your face on all the boxes just to rub it in. Same with the wolf, and the last time I saw wolfs and kids in anything together Little Red Riding Hood's grandma got eaten. Lucky Charms has a bunch of kids trying to steal the cereal from Lucky, which sends a horrible message! I want his cereal, so I'm going to get a net and some traps and torment that poor mythological creature until I get a bite. Fruity pebbles are always under threat from Barny, Fruit Loops are currently working on dismantling every landmark they can find to discover secret cereal that they believe they are entitled to, and Cocoa Puffs promote a schizophrenic bird continually trying to get his hands on a box. Now the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials don't promote thievery, they promote cannibalism, which is worse. Those reasons are why I prefer Honey Bunches of Oats and Apple Jacks. You are what you eat, so what does that say about our youth? Think about it.

Sincerely,

Captain Obvious

Mustaches

These furry facial additions can be worn very well, or very wrong. Mr. Meyagi got it right, Burt Reynolds pulled it off, and Mario and Luigi have kept the stache relevant for years. Mustaches are not easy to get right and for every good stache there is a bad one lurking in the shadows. For every Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction there is a Yosemite Sam. A few ground rules for staches:
1. If you are blonde you can not pull of a stache
2. Goatees are only cool in Aladdin. If your not riding a Magic Carpet you can't have one
3. Pale people with staches are creepy, especially gingers. Example: Sheamus (google him)
4. Samurais can have them anyway they want and it's still cool (except for Tom Cruise. He has limits)
5. Your beard should match the color of your hair. Don't be that guy from the Giants baseball team

Apologies

I think I owe one for being inactive for almost two weeks but we'll skip that and get onto the good stuff. Apologies are obviously for when someone screws up. Sometimes they'll take the humiliation and do it themselves, sometimes someone else apologizes for them, and often enough they act like it wasn't a big deal and completely blow you off. The apology really depends on what they did, and the necessity and impact of an apology depends on the frame of mind of the victim and the sincerity of the criminal. For instance, if you step on my toe and say, "Wow, scuse me. Sorry bout that" I will not mind the grammar and will write off the entire thing as not a big deal. Reversely, if you stomp my toe and hurry on your way without an acknowledgement don't be surprised when my shoe hits the back of your head. Apologies usually accompany accidents or guilt. In fact those are the only two situations I can think of where apologies are present, unless it is a sarcastic one which doesn't count. You dump milk on my head and go "whoops, sorry" and I know your not. Everyone watching would know your not, especially with the exaggerated 'e' sound at the end of sorry. Is this a little hypothetical, random, slightly confusing, obvious point? I suppose so.
The morale of the story is that apologies are pleads for forgiveness from people who have made mistakes. While they seem obligatory for most occasions they have power. Acknowledging that you messed up and hurt this person is no small feat, and it's something that this person might have needed. Maybe it's closure from some horrible thing that happened years ago, maybe it's a serious mistake that has cost you both dearly. Maybe it's something you can't ever make right. But it's better to try. And be sincere. I'm not sure if it's worse to get no apology or one of those fake ones. "huh...... well I'm sorry and whatever.......sigh" That's bullpoop (politically correct term) and doesn't mean squat. It's insulting and proof that you don't deserve retribution (good word, eh?).
Well that's my schpeal (might not be a real word) and since it falls on me to do so I apologize for the long break and will not let it happen again. Even if nobody reads this or even of it's only one body this is something I need to keep up with. I give up on way to many projects and this is one that I plan on seeing through to the unforeseeable end. I'm not going to let writers block, stress levels, or accumulated work keep me from doing what I love any longer. Cheers for now-
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

A Modest Proposal

If you ever read an essay called "A Modest Proposal" in English class than you and I have something in common. It's a very satirical, sarcastic, and ironic piece of writing and very entertaining. It's about an Irish famine and that the people should start eating babies to save food and have less mouths to feed. We were assigned to write a modest proposal on a school related subject and I found mine kind of entertaining. Thought you might enjoy reading it.
- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

There have been many students complaining about the dress code, and I agree. it is too strict, and as such I believe that all students should come to school in the nude. If you are going to allow students to wear those super short shorts and sleeveless shirts than you can’t say that their is much cloth left between them and their birthday suits anyway. While you might say, “Well wouldn’t that be distracting?” Not at all. We already have anatomy classes at the river, so it’s not as if the students have never seen a human body. This new order would boost self confidence in students and promote being comfortable in their own skin. For those students that aren’t comfortable with the way they look, it would encourage physical activity and healthy eating habits to obtain the shape that they desire. It could be called “Inappropriate” by some critics, but are we really going to pretend students at this level of their lives have never seen a naked body of the opposite sex?

Students have been arguing the dress code for years, even making court cases out of it. Now their would be nothing left to debate. Right now they want to be able to wear tank tops and backless blouses, but if those demands are given into then it will only encourage them to ask for more freedom to wear less. This would end all the future questions as to how little they can wear at school. It would diminish school fighting and bullying because you can’t make fun of someone when you are just as vulnerable as they are. You could pick on them for their funny shaped birthmark, but what if they taunt the size of your scrotum, or poke fun at the zit on your buttocks? You wouldn’t fight because everything is out in the open and easily targetable. In addition to this rule I would suggest passing “The Buddy System” which would prevent any possible sexual abuse. During the day students would be paired up with a member of the same sex and they would travel together to their classes. For each period they would switch to a different “buddy” and continue on the day with them. If one student would be absent their buddy would have to be assigned to make a group of three buddies, or to tag along  with someone else who is buddyless. This way no other students would try to bust a move on an unsuspecting peer. Surveillance cameras would be installed in bathrooms, now that there is no need for privacy, and monitored to make sure no one was trying anything funny in there.

While this may sound like it is creating an unnecessary erotic environment that would be unsuitable for children, we are preparing them for college. They should know ahead of time what to expect and how to respond. It might be difficult to get used to it at first, but after a week or two it would wear off and become same old same old. This would be a valuable lesson for all young adults and an easier way to make friends and judge possible dates. There are no secrets and no surprises, you’ve already seen them at their most vulnerable point. Camera usage by students would be banned from school and students sworn to secrecy to ensure that they would not spread information about any other students at the school. The morning news would be replaced with morning radio, saving money on expensive filming equipment that is purchased for T.V. production. This would ensure the safety of all students after they left school that no physical evidence of them in their nakedness would leave the confides of these halls, creating a safe haven where you can share all your secrets with peers. This would also add an interesting perspective to art classes, finally giving teachers the freedom to teach figure drawing classes and help improve students on all fronts. On field trips and days with guest speakers students would be permitted to dress themselves, but only for the hours pertaining to said occasion. Upon return from a field trip or the exit of a guest speaker students would de-robe. Each student would be given a locker to store their clothes and other personal items.

On the occasion of females having their monthly visit they would be permitted to wear undergarments on their lower area, or stay home and take their classes online for those days, but only with a note from your parents. Online classes are monitored and if you do not attend for the allotted time you will be denied the privilege and forced to return to school. No more than 7 days of consecutive absences will be permitted. I understand the sanitary issues that arise with this predicament, but each student would carry an antibacterial cushion with them, provided by the school board that they would set on each chair. If on any given day the student does not have their padded seat cushion they will be asked to stand for the entire period. I would suggest having them keep them in their lockers. Locker rooms would be divided into male and female.

A daily routine for the student would require them to arrive at school fully clothed and undress upon arrival. The students would be given five minutes at the end of the day to redress before exiting. For sports, students would be given the option of wearing clothes, but not demanded to. It is up to the young adults at this time to start making smart choices, and if they think it not smart enough to cover themselves when others are running around with cleats on their feet so be it. Any form of PDA is not to be tolerated. A hug, a kiss, or anything of that nature will result in immediate suspension and will go on your permanent records. Other charges may apply. In between classes, all teachers will be in the hallway to supervise the flow of students for such unacceptable behavior.

Teachers will have strict background checks done on them before being hired to reduce risk of pedophiles in the schools. The buddy system would still be applied after school hours as a precaution. If you have make up work you better arrange for a buddy to take you home. I can think of no possible downside to this strategy.