Ferrets

They're cute, furry, and smell absolutely disgusting. I don't think there is anyway to un-stink them. No amount of Febreeze, bathwater, or soap can remove that internal reek. But once you see their small, fuzzy heads and their big round eyes you'll hold your breathe and scoop them up cause they are so snuggly! Some people have them as pets and others like me have them as allergies. Lovely. Their scientific name is Mustela Putorius Furo, quite the mouth full, and they are a rather boring species. The most exciting things from ferrets is the video made by SecretAgentBob on youtube. For reference here's the link. Be warned its a bit ........... strange.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNZzJELbFRI
On another note I can not believe how many websites are dedicated to Ferrets. No joke, when I Googled 'ferrets' the website URL Ferretcentral.org and Everythingferret.com popped up. Wow, some people have too much free time. Any way this post is kind of unrelated to anything but that's how I is, inappropriate grammar and all. It's been a long day, so I bid you adeu.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

F***ed

Ever get that feeling that life is too much, there's no way out, or that you are utterly f***ed? Everyone does at one point or another. Stress levels rise, things pile up, life happens. It's all part of a cycle and we all have to face a moment in our lives where something is too much. This can range from simple things like having too many projects that all need to be finished at the same time or when your losing really really bad at something, to more difficult things like getting caught in a lie, having serious family issues, or loosing a job. I face that moment pretty much everyday, but it's amazing what you can unf*** when you put your mind to it. It only proves my philosophy that attitude is everything. You can either hang up your hat and watch the Jenga blocks come tumbling down or you can put your mind into overdrive and pump some blood, sweat, and tears into whatever you're worrying about. There is always an alternative to a bad option or a way around it, but giving up eliminates this other option. Whenever life is too much you don't give in. That's being weak. No one wants to be weak. Toughen up, work it out, fix your situation. Don't take the slop the world gives you, send it back to the kitchen or ask for the manager. Never settle for mediocre and never stop shooting for stellar. You can make your life better as long as you fight for it to be better. So, simply put, don't let the world f*** you over. Happy Easter. God Bless.
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

What's Wrong With Television: Part 2

Breakfast Cereal commercials. Every single one of them seems to promote stealing! Honey Nut Cheerios are always being stolen, and I don't need Handsome Hector or Yellow Jack showing up at my house first thing in the morning. Trix and Cookie Crisps both have their mascots trying to steal their cereal from children, and what is that teaching kids? How not to share. You know the bunny wants some stinking Trix, but no. You can't have any. But we will plaster your face on all the boxes just to rub it in. Same with the wolf, and the last time I saw wolfs and kids in anything together Little Red Riding Hood's grandma got eaten. Lucky Charms has a bunch of kids trying to steal the cereal from Lucky, which sends a horrible message! I want his cereal, so I'm going to get a net and some traps and torment that poor mythological creature until I get a bite. Fruity pebbles are always under threat from Barny, Fruit Loops are currently working on dismantling every landmark they can find to discover secret cereal that they believe they are entitled to, and Cocoa Puffs promote a schizophrenic bird continually trying to get his hands on a box. Now the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials don't promote thievery, they promote cannibalism, which is worse. Those reasons are why I prefer Honey Bunches of Oats and Apple Jacks. You are what you eat, so what does that say about our youth? Think about it.

Sincerely,

Captain Obvious

Mustaches

These furry facial additions can be worn very well, or very wrong. Mr. Meyagi got it right, Burt Reynolds pulled it off, and Mario and Luigi have kept the stache relevant for years. Mustaches are not easy to get right and for every good stache there is a bad one lurking in the shadows. For every Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction there is a Yosemite Sam. A few ground rules for staches:
1. If you are blonde you can not pull of a stache
2. Goatees are only cool in Aladdin. If your not riding a Magic Carpet you can't have one
3. Pale people with staches are creepy, especially gingers. Example: Sheamus (google him)
4. Samurais can have them anyway they want and it's still cool (except for Tom Cruise. He has limits)
5. Your beard should match the color of your hair. Don't be that guy from the Giants baseball team

Apologies

I think I owe one for being inactive for almost two weeks but we'll skip that and get onto the good stuff. Apologies are obviously for when someone screws up. Sometimes they'll take the humiliation and do it themselves, sometimes someone else apologizes for them, and often enough they act like it wasn't a big deal and completely blow you off. The apology really depends on what they did, and the necessity and impact of an apology depends on the frame of mind of the victim and the sincerity of the criminal. For instance, if you step on my toe and say, "Wow, scuse me. Sorry bout that" I will not mind the grammar and will write off the entire thing as not a big deal. Reversely, if you stomp my toe and hurry on your way without an acknowledgement don't be surprised when my shoe hits the back of your head. Apologies usually accompany accidents or guilt. In fact those are the only two situations I can think of where apologies are present, unless it is a sarcastic one which doesn't count. You dump milk on my head and go "whoops, sorry" and I know your not. Everyone watching would know your not, especially with the exaggerated 'e' sound at the end of sorry. Is this a little hypothetical, random, slightly confusing, obvious point? I suppose so.
The morale of the story is that apologies are pleads for forgiveness from people who have made mistakes. While they seem obligatory for most occasions they have power. Acknowledging that you messed up and hurt this person is no small feat, and it's something that this person might have needed. Maybe it's closure from some horrible thing that happened years ago, maybe it's a serious mistake that has cost you both dearly. Maybe it's something you can't ever make right. But it's better to try. And be sincere. I'm not sure if it's worse to get no apology or one of those fake ones. "huh...... well I'm sorry and whatever.......sigh" That's bullpoop (politically correct term) and doesn't mean squat. It's insulting and proof that you don't deserve retribution (good word, eh?).
Well that's my schpeal (might not be a real word) and since it falls on me to do so I apologize for the long break and will not let it happen again. Even if nobody reads this or even of it's only one body this is something I need to keep up with. I give up on way to many projects and this is one that I plan on seeing through to the unforeseeable end. I'm not going to let writers block, stress levels, or accumulated work keep me from doing what I love any longer. Cheers for now-
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

A Modest Proposal

If you ever read an essay called "A Modest Proposal" in English class than you and I have something in common. It's a very satirical, sarcastic, and ironic piece of writing and very entertaining. It's about an Irish famine and that the people should start eating babies to save food and have less mouths to feed. We were assigned to write a modest proposal on a school related subject and I found mine kind of entertaining. Thought you might enjoy reading it.
- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

There have been many students complaining about the dress code, and I agree. it is too strict, and as such I believe that all students should come to school in the nude. If you are going to allow students to wear those super short shorts and sleeveless shirts than you can’t say that their is much cloth left between them and their birthday suits anyway. While you might say, “Well wouldn’t that be distracting?” Not at all. We already have anatomy classes at the river, so it’s not as if the students have never seen a human body. This new order would boost self confidence in students and promote being comfortable in their own skin. For those students that aren’t comfortable with the way they look, it would encourage physical activity and healthy eating habits to obtain the shape that they desire. It could be called “Inappropriate” by some critics, but are we really going to pretend students at this level of their lives have never seen a naked body of the opposite sex?

Students have been arguing the dress code for years, even making court cases out of it. Now their would be nothing left to debate. Right now they want to be able to wear tank tops and backless blouses, but if those demands are given into then it will only encourage them to ask for more freedom to wear less. This would end all the future questions as to how little they can wear at school. It would diminish school fighting and bullying because you can’t make fun of someone when you are just as vulnerable as they are. You could pick on them for their funny shaped birthmark, but what if they taunt the size of your scrotum, or poke fun at the zit on your buttocks? You wouldn’t fight because everything is out in the open and easily targetable. In addition to this rule I would suggest passing “The Buddy System” which would prevent any possible sexual abuse. During the day students would be paired up with a member of the same sex and they would travel together to their classes. For each period they would switch to a different “buddy” and continue on the day with them. If one student would be absent their buddy would have to be assigned to make a group of three buddies, or to tag along  with someone else who is buddyless. This way no other students would try to bust a move on an unsuspecting peer. Surveillance cameras would be installed in bathrooms, now that there is no need for privacy, and monitored to make sure no one was trying anything funny in there.

While this may sound like it is creating an unnecessary erotic environment that would be unsuitable for children, we are preparing them for college. They should know ahead of time what to expect and how to respond. It might be difficult to get used to it at first, but after a week or two it would wear off and become same old same old. This would be a valuable lesson for all young adults and an easier way to make friends and judge possible dates. There are no secrets and no surprises, you’ve already seen them at their most vulnerable point. Camera usage by students would be banned from school and students sworn to secrecy to ensure that they would not spread information about any other students at the school. The morning news would be replaced with morning radio, saving money on expensive filming equipment that is purchased for T.V. production. This would ensure the safety of all students after they left school that no physical evidence of them in their nakedness would leave the confides of these halls, creating a safe haven where you can share all your secrets with peers. This would also add an interesting perspective to art classes, finally giving teachers the freedom to teach figure drawing classes and help improve students on all fronts. On field trips and days with guest speakers students would be permitted to dress themselves, but only for the hours pertaining to said occasion. Upon return from a field trip or the exit of a guest speaker students would de-robe. Each student would be given a locker to store their clothes and other personal items.

On the occasion of females having their monthly visit they would be permitted to wear undergarments on their lower area, or stay home and take their classes online for those days, but only with a note from your parents. Online classes are monitored and if you do not attend for the allotted time you will be denied the privilege and forced to return to school. No more than 7 days of consecutive absences will be permitted. I understand the sanitary issues that arise with this predicament, but each student would carry an antibacterial cushion with them, provided by the school board that they would set on each chair. If on any given day the student does not have their padded seat cushion they will be asked to stand for the entire period. I would suggest having them keep them in their lockers. Locker rooms would be divided into male and female.

A daily routine for the student would require them to arrive at school fully clothed and undress upon arrival. The students would be given five minutes at the end of the day to redress before exiting. For sports, students would be given the option of wearing clothes, but not demanded to. It is up to the young adults at this time to start making smart choices, and if they think it not smart enough to cover themselves when others are running around with cleats on their feet so be it. Any form of PDA is not to be tolerated. A hug, a kiss, or anything of that nature will result in immediate suspension and will go on your permanent records. Other charges may apply. In between classes, all teachers will be in the hallway to supervise the flow of students for such unacceptable behavior.

Teachers will have strict background checks done on them before being hired to reduce risk of pedophiles in the schools. The buddy system would still be applied after school hours as a precaution. If you have make up work you better arrange for a buddy to take you home. I can think of no possible downside to this strategy.

Birthdays

This blog goes out to a very special friend. Happy birthday Aaron, thanks for being my biggest fan. Anyway, on to our topic, Birthdays. When it's your birthday it's the best day ever (to quote spongebob) and you half expect the sky to start raining golden coins on your account. People either remember or forget, thanks to facebook the number of those that remember has gone up. It's always nice to have someone give you that acknowledgment and say "Happy Birthday" as if they were saying "I'm thankful for this day that you came into the world." It's even nicer when someone sings you the birthday song. While that song is probably the most unoriginal thing, it's designed specifically so that anyone anywhere can understand it and join in. We don't need some complicated long sonnet to be sung, just a simple, fun, easy to sing melody and simple words that you won't forget. It's perfect in all those categories and sounds great in an ensemble.
Birthday cake is another one. It's tradition really, even if the flavors differ. I'm not the biggest cake person, but I always enjoy having that little slice of sugary bread and overly sweet icing as a celebration of another year gone by. The balloons and horrible hats add to the fun atmosphere that one tries to create in order to get the most out of the day. While parties are for the younger crowds they still retain some fun when your older, and it's the company that really counts. Presents are nice, but they aren't what it's all about. It's the love that everyone gives you that is really important. So love on everybody, and shout happy birthday! Still working on a sign off line. Captain Obvious AWAY!!!!!!!!!!! ( a bit comic booky)
Sincerely,
Captain Obvious