Bourne Movies

For those of you uncultured and underprivileged readers out there that haven't seen any of the Bourne trilogy, let me give you a brief description of what you are missing out on. Matt Damon plays a man by the name of Jason Bourne. He is found unconscious in the ocean with bullet wounds in his back. When he awakes he can't remember anything about who he is or where he came from. He starts tracing his roots and finds out that he is an assassin. A lot of people want him dead, including his former employers and a bunch of people that frame him for other crap that he wasn't involved in.

The plots are impressive and entertaining as Bourne tries to uncover his past and move on to a brighter future. The supporting cast is full of villainous men in power and heroes that step up when they need to. While you will probably be confused as to what is going on for about 25% of it, and wont remember who is important or for what reasons, you will be cheering for Bourne to overcome all the obstacles and evil people in his path.

The bigger reason to get into this series is the action. The car scenes, for one, are amazing. Never will you see such crazy car crashes that seem so perfectly executed as when Bourne does it. He will drive cop cars, wii cars, motorcycles and taxis. Whatever has wheels and gets him away from you fastest. Bourne is often jumped at a moments notice, and will make do with what he has to fight back with. These include a book, a towel, a pen, and a dead body just to name a few. And when he does have a gun he uses it intelligently and impressively. Maybe he doesn't walk into a room with guns a blazin and decimate an entire army of trained hitmen, but why should he? That's stuff for Bruce Willis and George Clooney. It makes Bourne more realistic. More human. Beyond that he is incredibly intelligent and intricate. Nothing surprises him, it's all part of the plan. He always avoids being captured with a quickly improvised layout and avoids being followed by ditching the dummies in large crowds or complicated transportation units. He is always a step ahead.

When he's hurt he heals himself without faulting. When he's tracked he turns the table to become the tracker. When he is determined you can't stop him. When he is mad he kills you, and when he's is deviant he makes you live with yourself without the ability to cower behind a false image of righteousness. He is a beast, a machine, a person, and a man who wants ever so desperately to get a second chance. He is Bourne.

Dissecting a Saying: Part 1

 - Cold Hard Cash -  This is a common term we all use for money. “Cold.” Why is the money cold? Because, in reality, it brings no warmth. Warmth is related to comfort, kindness, joy. Cash does not bring that. In fact this saying is probably why we have the other saying “You cant buy happiness.” Money can’t provide the warmth itself, it’s what you do with that money that really counts. You can give it to the poor, buy some hot chocolate for you and a friend, or waste it on strippers. None of that makes it any warmer itself, it is only a means of gaining more necessary and unnecessary items. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you are a comfortable, joyous, or kind person. Next word, hard. Why hard? Because it’s firm. It’s real. Wouldn’t we all like to believe that? We call it hard because we like the idea that we can hold it, feel it, and by doing so have undeniable proof that this slip of paper is worth something. Cash is the final word, which tells you more about the class of people who use it. Do you know many millionaires who call their money cash? Most often we hear it in movies about drug deals and blackmail. “100,000. Cash. Tomorrow. In a manilla envelope. Got that son?” Not, “My new Lamborghini was a lot of cash.” That is the most insight I can offer you into the mechanics of this saying. Use your words wisely.

- Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Condiments

The only way you can get someone to chomp on a hotdog is to drown it in flavor. While chili-dogs are great and sauerkraut is nice, the most common way to get the job done is with relish, mustard, or ketchup. For mexico they add salsa and chipotle, in Canada they use syrup, in Japan it's soy sauce, Italy uses marinara, and Thailand uses something called Budu which is made from anchovies. These are all condiments, which are the best little ace in your sleeve for a meal you can't stomach. Bad burger? Pass the ketchup. Not liking those fish and chips? Tartar sauce to the rescue. Shrimp cocktails wouldn't be complete without cocktail sauce, and Chick-Fil-A wouldn't be as tasty without it's polynesian sauce. In short, as if this paragraph wasn't already, condiments add some pizzaz to other foods that need some color. Color is key. You don't put anything on fruit or candy cause it's bright enough, but rice is dull without a little help from the condiment shelf. Happy Eatings.

-Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Deep Thoughts: Part 1

Some of the sayings we use don't make any sense at all while others contain a truth that is hard to describe. Sometimes when I'm pretending I know what I'm talking about I come up with some catchy little sayings that actually sound like a guru could have endorsed them. It makes me feel like Oprah without the fame and fortune. Here are a few of my deeply thought-provoking statements. 

1. Someone who says they "go with the flow" is really just lost in the current.

2. When you are depressed you become a mime, and you slowly build all these invisible walls around yourself that suffocate you. It can take a lifetime of depression to realize those walls you constricted yourself within were never there.

3. Time is money, which means it amounts to very little in the long run but should still be spent well.

4. Standing still is impossible since the world is always turning. Change will always come.

5. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck had a hatchet?

I should be a motivational speaker! I hope these sayings had some kind of impact on you. Feel free to critique them or come up with some of your own. Until next time, drink lots of milk, bathe on a regular schedule, and avoid traveling salesmen.

- Sincerely

Captain Obvious

Oxymorons

Two contradictory words placed right next to each other create an oxymoron. While it sounds hard to think of one right off the top of your head, we often use them in conversation without even thinking. Here are 100 of the best oxymorons I’ve found:

1. Act Naturally
2. Countless Numbers
3. Young Adult
4. Going Nowhere
5. Front End
6. All Alone
7. Climb Down
8. Easy Task
9. Bland Spice
10. Blurry Vision
11. Crash Landing
12. Free Prisoner
13. Honest Thief
14. Good Morning
15. Found Missing
16. Agree to Disagree
17. Detailed Summary
18. Half Empty
19. Half Full
20. Genuine Imitation
21. Only Choice
22. False Hope
23. Auto Pilot
24. Old news
25. Mud Bath
26. Chilling Fever
27. Hot Chili
28. Fail Safe
29. Industrial Park
30. Near Future
31. Obvious Secret
32. Loud Whisper
33. No Comment
34. Minor Crisis
35. Calculated Error
36. Talk Show
37. Fine Mess
38. Lemon Lime
39. Stealth Bomber
40. Pool Table
41. Jungle Gym
42. Accurate Estimate
43. Balding Hair
44. Drawing A Blank
45. Butt Head
46. Clean Toilet
47. Mobile Home
48. Light Armor
49. Sharp Curve
50. Restless Sleep
51. Upside Down
52. Wordless Book
53. Bitter Sweet
54. Top Floor
55. Random Logic
56. Moving Target
57. Invisible Ink
58. Forgotten Memories
59. Black Light
60. Short Distance
61. Virtual Reality
62. Waiting Patiently
63. Group of Individuals
64. Constant Change
65. Doing Nothing
66. Brave Wimp
67. Homework
68. One Person Crew
69. Ill Health
70. Unspoken Suggestion
71. Silent Alarm
72. Unusual Routine
73. Running In Place
74. Organized Confusion
75. Somewhat Functional
76. Loose Knots
77. Living Dead
78. Stand Down
79. Center Around
80. Inside Out
81. Bankrupt Millionaire
82. Perfectly Ridiculous
83. Whole Percentage
84. Round Edges
85. Sight Unseen
86. Politely Insulting
87. Absolutely Unsure
88. Blameless Culprit
89. Sound of Silence
90. Problem Solved
91. Uninvited Guest
92. Anxious Patient
93. Less is More
94. Positively Wrong
95. Straight-Forward
96. Chaotic Organization
97. Unknown Identity
98. Friendly Argument
99. Unfunny Joke
100. Night Light

Fun, aren’t they?

Boomerangs

Ahh boomerangs. They claim that they always come back, though I've never seen one accomplish anything more than half a U-turn. They are often associated with the kangaroos and koalas of Australia. Fun history fact for you: Many historians have found evidence actually linking the origins of boomerangs to Egypt over 2000 years ago. Fascinating, I know.

Boomerang is a T.V. network, Sokka's main weapon (avatar reference), and the cause of one of the funniest Ed Edd N' Eddy episodes ever. (If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about) This ancient invention has been repurposed for weapons, toys, and a third rate Eddie Murphy movie. Its a word, a theory and a random item yet to discover a practical purpose. Can't say that I'm extremely knowledgeable about these matters, but if you curious about anything else there is actually a website dedicated to these matters. Check out www.boomerangs.com for matters such as safety tips, tutorials, and frequently asked questions. Knowledge is fun, isn't it?

- Sincerely
Captain Obvious

Sick

Being sick is horrible. Whether the pain is in you head, shoulders, knees, toes, or anywhere in between it slowly eats away at you until you can no longer complete your daily tasks. Colds are one of the most common and most annoying. It starts in your forehead and causes you to see spots every time you stand up. It then flows to your nose giving you the sensation that you will stop breathing at any moment. The feeling trickles all the way down your throat, leaving it dry and itchy all day. The worst thing by far to be subjugated to.

Stomach aches are miserable. You wake up feeling like there's an army of tap-dancing crickets all the way down your intestines, or that your digestive track is struggling with a chunk of Mt. Rushmore. Your only hope for a cure is some pepto bismol or a glass of gingerale. If those fail you call in sick and spend all day in bed with a wastebasket close by, just in case.

The worst thing about being sick is going to the doctors. Theres nothing more uncomfortable than a doctors office. They will stick thermometers in places you didn't know you had and make you put on those stupid backward robes. If you don't have to suffer the doctors office then all you can rely on is medicine.

Now my last comments to leave you with is about medicine. What is the deal with medicine? Liquid medicine is horrible. It's like they didn't even try to make it taste good. As for pills, what's with the bottle caps? If they need to put directions on the cap on how to open it then perhaps its too complex to start with. Push down and turn left. It never works! You try until your frustration gets the best of you and admit your defeat. Now your pissed and sick. Grr.

Anyway, be thankful for your health, because it could change at any time.

- Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Playing Pretend

Pretending is something we all do, no matter our age, to escape reality. As we get older we call it denial, but it serves the same purpose even if it’s not played the same way. When your young all it takes to pretend is a stick. That stick can be a samurai sword, a fairy princess wand, a walking cane, a baseball bat, or a rapid-fire bazooka. Sticks aren’t the only portal for play, but it’s one of the best illustrations of how simple it is for kids to be entertained. Other childhood favorites include giving voices to stuffed animals, building forts out of pillows, and re-enacting epic battles with action figures.

Most of the best pretend games didn’t require anything but imagination. Just picking a character from one of your favorite fantasies led you to an adventure. You could be a lion, a cowboy, a firefighter, a knight, a princess, a witch, the list goes on and on. Young boys usually prefer actiony games, like policeman or ninja, while young girls played endless hours of ‘House’ in their plastic kitchens. More often than not, kids were willing to drop their fears of cooties just long enough to play together in their make-believe jungles or spaceships. Somewhere along the mutual understandings that children share, the story bounced along with no plot or reason, just pointless fun. Over the course of puberty we loose this part of us that pretends, and let others do it for us, by watching movies, playing video games, or reading books. As our juvenile years drift away, we shift our energy into more productive ports than thinking we’re a pirate alien that crash-landed on Neptune. Most of us would like to have one last play date with our imaginations, and see what our matured minds could think of for our next perilous adventure, but we are content to let it stay where we left it; in the glory days of our youth.